A Million Little Pieces

Chapter 5

I watched Jamie sketch for hours. At first he drew small flowers trailing from the bottom right corner of his paper, then those small flowers began to grow in number and size towards the middle of the page. It was a wicked display of hydrangeas, roses, lilacs, daffodils and daises. I never knew he could draw them so perfectly as if he'd seen those flowers a thousand times. Each flower was sculpted individually, he was taking his time. The flowers seemed to be forming a ramp upward and my eyebrows pulled closer. His face was twisted in concentration, what was he doing? As he continued to draw the flowers began to form the bottom part of a dress, and it began apparent that he was drawing a girl. Her hair was like a river flowing down her back and she had her head tilted and was looking at me. Jamie leaned closer the page when he started to trace the eyes trying to make sure he was precise. Her face had soft features and she reached up a hand to her cheek, her hair twirled around her fingers. When Jamie finally finished the eyes he moved his head farther from the page and squinted-which he did quite a few times-this was his way of knowing whether he made a mistake or not. Pft! I rolled my eyes, what a perfectionist. When he was done with the girl she looked a bit somber. I wondered how it was possible for her to find something to be sad about when she was surrounded by nature. Jamie got up and came back with an assortment of colored pencils and markers. He colored the girl's hair light brown and her skin pale with lips like roses. The dress was a light purple color like the lilacs which stood out against the warm spring colors of the other flowers. After he was finished coloring he drew in a yellow sun and a baby blue sky. Once more-I hoped- he held the picture far away and squinted then shook his head. "How could I forget," Jamie whispered to himself and pulled out a dark green and filled in the eyes "Lucy." He finished off his artwork with a signature and rested his head on his pillow tucking his hands under his head. He yawned and stretched his arms before pulling the covers over himself and slept peacefully. I couldn't keep my eyes off the picture, it was too beautiful, it was me. I smiled to myself because I knew that in that moment Jamie had found himself again. If he can pick up a pencil and do what he's always done it meant he still had passion, that Jamie was going to get better. I lay right next to him and even though I wasn't really there it felt like I was.

                                    ***
  When Jamie woke up he looked around his room a bit disoriented. His coal colored hair looked like taunting waves at the beach each strand of his hair seemed to be challenging the other in a battle. Jamie stretched out his long tan arms almost hitting the head of his bed. He looked at the picture he drew from last night and smiled. It felt like the hand that's been squeezing my heart for so long finally loosened its grip. The real Jamie was shinning through again to cover the one that was solemn and somber with the one that was mischievous and intrepid. He rolled out of bed and went into the bathroom closing the door behind him.
    I sat on his bed and looked down on myself. My clothes were starting to become more and more clean and I didn't know why. Could it have been like that priest said, was I not yet ready to leave? Then again who was stopping me from moving on?  My jeans had no holes in them anymore although they were still stained like my blouse. There was a gaping hole in my top, I looked away before I couldn't take it anymore. Usually I wasn't so squeamish, but I think seeing my skin so bruised and red pushed me a bit. I looked like someone's worst nightmare come true. I frowned, I hoped I didn't look like this forever.                                                                                                         When Jamie left the bathroom he took the portrait of me and went to the kitchen. He made himself breakfast and this time he ate it without trouble. After he was done he studied the image of me. Jamie's face twisted into a puzzled expression like if the picture was different than how he saw it yesterday. He tilted his head a bit to absorb all the flowers completely then gasped. A light bulb in Jamie's head went off and he wasn't letting it go. As he hurried out the door he was resolved and had't taken the chance to look back. I didn't know where he was going, but I followed him anyway.                                                       

   Jamie brought me right back to my parents house, and I was glad. When my Dad answered the door I was more than shocked by his appearance, his copper hair was disheveled and bags were clinging to his eyes like they were trying to fight gravity. My father stepped a side and gestured Jamie inside with a bandaged hand. Jamie walked in and his eyes soon wondered toward the white wraps on my father's hand. "Oh this, yea I accidentally fell in the shower and hurt my wrist." My dad was always clumsy, but never quite to this extent. Jamie tilted his head in question then said, "Thanks for letting me in I hope your hand gets better." My dad scanned Jamie with his light hazel eyes and one of his eyebrows shot up. "Looks like I'm not the only clumsy one here," My dad spoke pointing to the bandages on Jamie's wrist "What happened there?" Jamie looked down and jerked his sweater sleeve down over it. "Accident," Jamie mumbled just as my mom entered the room. She didn't look as unkempt as dad did, around her light green eyes were red splotches from where she wiped her tears. Although her blond hair fell uniformly on her shoulders I could see small lines of silver starting to take root. She put a hand on my father's shoulder a step behind him and said "Hey, Jamie what are you doing here?" Jamie smiled and said "I wanted to know if I could go into Lucy's room." My mom nodded to Jamie in approval "You know the way." With that Jamie hustled to my room.                                                                                      Jamie had the same hesitation when he got to my room door that he had yesterday. All his confidence vacated when he needed it the most. Jamie sighed then turned the nob and pushed the door open. "See like ripping off a band-aid," Jamie concluded to himself then looked up at my room "Looks like I was wrong." He clenched his fists and closed my room door slowly. I looked up at my room and was knocked back with it. I thought it would be hard for Jamie, but I didn't realize it would be hard for me too. My bed was perfectly made probably from the morning after I left the pillows in place. It was like a room from a movie everything had it's place and nothing was where it shouldn't be. I observed everything in this place that used to be my sanctuary, so did Jamie. He looked around in awe and wondered over to my desk. I think he was looking for my journals or random thoughts I wrote. Jamie was shuffling through the drawers in my desk till he found a book with a black cover on it. That was my journal in his hands the instinct to protect it flared up in me and I had to calm it down. Things like that my secrets, my thoughts, and my resolutions about life weren't meant to be kept to myself they were better shared. Plus I'm dead so no embarrassment to feel it was a great bonus. Anyway, Jamie began to flip through the pages scanning for I have no idea, but he was determined. He stop suddenly at a page and started to read it. I leaned over to see what he was reading and gasped:

                                                                                     Jamie

Early this morning Jamie and I were sitting on a park bench he was drawing while I took everything in. It was so windy flowers and leaves got caught in my hair. I watched as birds jumped on the floor searching for crumbs. I got surprised when I heard a melody so sweet coming from the trees. My eyes stopped once I got to a tangerine spot on one of the dark branches, a robin. When he saw me looking he got louder like he thought I might hurt him. I smiled at the bird his efforts to push me away would only bring me closer. I closed my eyes and listened to the little stranger in the oak tree. He reminded me of Jamie a bit. The way the bird was singing not realizes it's own beauty. I recalled a poem I'd read once by Louisa May Alcott called "To The First Robin" where she welcomed the little stranger because he signified spring. The Robin made the flowers bloom and gave color to the world in the same way Jamie did for me. I could not imagine a world without spring. A time where everything rejuvenates. A time where the sun is bright, but he is brighter. Jamie is my spring and my Robin therefore a world without Jamie is something I couldn't imagine either. I don't think I have to imagine though because we've been together forever and there's no reason for forever to stop. Once the robin stopped it's song I opened my eyes and looked at Jamie. His black hair reflected the sun's shine as he tilted it in concentration. He turned the sketch pad for me to see and smiled. It was a drawing of me looking at the bird. "Jamie, it's amazing" I couldn't contain how impressed I was. "Thanks" he said looking away as his cheeks turned pink. I knew right then that not even forever could stop me and Jamie from being together.

Jamie let the book fall from is hands once he was done reading. Tears began to roll down his cheeks in streams. "I miss her so much a life without her is a life without love," Jamie buried his face in his hands. A life always has love there is no single person stopping love. Love is like the air no matter how many times we close doors air slips in though cracks. I didn't think he'd ever read that nor did I expect it to make him cry. I sat close to him even though he didn't know I was there, and listened to his choked sobs till the sun went down.