A Million Little Pieces

Chapter 6

Jamie was sitting quietly on the floor of my room reading my journal. Moonlight from the window poured in making Jamie's face glow his caramel eyes were shining as he read each page. The strands of his soft jet black hair had fallen over his eyes though he didn't seem to notice. Jamie hadn't stood up in hours his eyes were glued to the book, I was beginning to worry about him. Jamie was startled by a soft tap on the door before my mother poked her head through the door and whispered, "Can I come in?" Jamie nodded to her and she gracefully took her place next to him on the floor. Jamie closed the journal and cradled it tightly to his chest. "It's that book she was always writing in isn't it?" Mom smiled and waited for Jamie to look up at her- which he had not done- then continued, "Maybe you'll find comfort in her words. She used to tell me 'Each day we become a better person' she never knew how wise she really was." Jamie looked up at my mom and opened his mouth to speak but my mom held up a hand stopping him. "You can keep it maybe it'll help you become a better person without her. Now go home and get some rest," my mom said to him. Jamie pushed himself up, still cradling the journal to his chest and left the room. My mom stayed in my room silently observing the room from the floor. She began to cry softly at first then her tears started to become a cry for help, and her body shaking like it was calling out for someone to hold her. I walked to my mother and sat next to her trying to force all my strength into her. I knew she must have been holding her tears captive for so long it must be refreshing to let them all out. However, it looked like my mother was not the one letting her tears flow, but her tears themselves. Her light green eyes were like a pot that just now started to boil over causing everything -the floor, her face and her sleeves- to become wet. Her cheeks must have been stinging like fire with how many times she rubbed them. My mother was always so focused on being strong for everyone else she forgot to acknowledge the pain she felt. I could only vicariously feel her sadness and sorrow because I did not know what it felt like to lose someone in the way she lost me. When she realized she had no more tears left to shed she looked as if she was ready to give up. My mom pulled her knees to her chest and lied her face on them revealing all the vulnerability I didn't know she had. "Give me a sign" She mumbled to herself barely audible but I was close enough to hear. At that moment she looked up at the ceiling and gasped. I followed her gaze to the words in black cursive painted on the roof. "Cry all your tears out today, but tomorrow you must carry on with resilience" is what Jamie had painted there for me what seemed like forever ago. I wanted something great to wake up to everyday because my room is where all my tears were shed from joy and sorrow. Now it looked like those same words would not only help me through the day, but my mother too. My mother seemed insignificant on the floor of my room. She sat in silence for a while till she rested her head on the back of my bed and fell slowly asleep. I watched her from across the room as she slept restlessly. Mom started to lean slowly angling herself closer to the floor making me cringe. Don't fall, don't fall, don't fall and there goes my mom falling on the floor. I laughed her face was smashed to the floor, but she had not woken up. She probably hadn't slept in so long due to all the stress. The room door creaked slowly, and my dad stepped into the room. He had a big fluffy white blanket in his hands and walked over to mom. He looked down at her and smiled, he was probably just as worried about her as she was of him. My dad covered her in the blanket then lied down on the floor next to her. I had to look away from the scene of intimacy they shared and stumbled for the door, but before I left I looked back. Even though they were on the floor they looked comfortable in each other's arms.

***

The next morning my dad had come down the stairs with a frantic look on his face. Though a happy type of frantic, if that makes sense. He looked hopeful like a painter about to paint. He rushed into the kitchen and took out a mess of ingredients. Butter, eggs, flour, and sugar all of it reminded me of my childhood. I remember how every Saturday he'd make pancakes for me and my mom. Pancakes are my mom's kryptonite as well as mine, we can't help it they're so good. The batter so pale and chocolate chips that pour down like hail. So irresistibly yummy. "Look who's cooking" My mom came sauntering into the kitchen smiling her eyes grew astronomically, "Pancakes!" My dad smiled and looked at her sideways "You're like a little kid Gwen." She glared at him and he laughed, it was odd to see them like this all normal together since the night before she was crying her eyes out. I was relieved it felt like a small weight was lifted off my chest. Knowing that my family could go on without me was a gift I was beginning to doubt I'd ever receive. My mom sat at the dinner table and stared at my dad till he put a stack of golden circles in front of her. She smiled at the stacks, but her gaze slid over to the empty chair next to her I wonder if she was thinking the same thing I was. She looked over to my dad and placed a reassuring hand on his, "I love you, Fin" she said and shoved pancake in her mouth. I can't eat pancakes here, yet I have to watch others eat it I'm in hell. My dad chuckled, "I love-" his eyelids had closed over his eyes and he slid to the floor hitting his head on the hard wood floor. "Dad" I yelled, my mom quickly got up and picked up his head. There was a small flow of blood coming from his head. This can't be happening he was laughing just a second ago. "Fin, wake up please" My mom's voice cracked and she had a panicked look on her face. My mom ran to place his head delicately on a pillow then grabbed for the phone. I watched helplessly as she called an ambulance and I watched as she reached up to brush light brown stands of hair from his forehead. I couldn't help her no matter how much I wanted to. One of the only people who have been there for me through everything, and I couldn't do anything. I sat back and just watched like if it was a tv show. I wasn't able to get the cloth for my dad's leaking skull or call the people that could save him. Watch is what I did, It was a remake of the scene I died to. Those same colored cars take him away on the a similar looking stretcher. Was this some sick twisted metaphor? It felt like the universe was mocking me. Was my dad going to suffer the same fate I did?