my mom is the most important person in my life.
i want her to be proud of me. but the existing pressure on my shoulder is just too much to handle- the existing pressure and endless insecurities i have with myself.
i let her talk me into things when i thought of quitting volleyball. she said it would make her happy if i continue. she almost persuaded me to continue but i doubt my teammates would welcome me again so i refused to return.
i doubt my life decisions way more than you could ever think of. but my mom is always there to guide and support me.
she is my one and only jewel, a gem that i would never trade for anything.
but i cannot control life.
she became sick a few days after i decided to quit volleyball.
we went to the doctor and learned the news. my mom is sick.
cancer.
but how? how in the world did she get that sickness.. for as far as i know, she's healthy. it made me question myself, do i really know who my mother is? it seems like after spending my whole life with her, i still don't know everything about her.
i got worried sick. is this the after-effect of all the things i did not do for her? is this karma?
still, i did not return to the club and my grades become worse. my state? isn't also the best. i felt bad for my mom's condition. so bad that i started blaming god why these things happen. these are things i do not deserve.
i stayed by my mother's side in hope that she will get better. i tried so hard to become her strength. and i almost thought that i succeeded.
but days pass by and her body went weaker and weaker until the pain swallowed her whole. it was too much for her body. i woke up feeling her cold hands in my palm.
in a blink of an eye, she's gone.
i was devastated.
the most important person in my life is now gone. and i couldn't accept it. and i felt so alone.
the funeral was dreadful, not a day passed that i did not cry. but every day of that week, my volleyball teammates came to visit and cheer me up.
at first, i tried to push them away because i thought i do not deserve them. that i do not deserve any love from anyone because i am just me- someone who's coward and runs away. i am scared that i might end up hurting them somehow.
i tried so hard to push them away but of course, knowing them, they fought back. they slapped me the fact that i am not alone. they made me believe that at times like this, there is always someone i can lean on. and during this time, it's them.
i was dead scared. i was scared that if i learn to trust these people and give them my all, they might leave me someday soon.
but i remember how my mother persuaded me to return to the club. her endless "it would make me happy, son," which i never listened to, her comforting words when i told her that my teammates might not accept me, and her sweet, sweet reassuring smile that tells me everything's going to be just fine- that i just need to trust myself and go beyond my comfort zone.
so i returned.
i started practicing again with my teammates- the only family i'm left with.
and now, we're one step to standing on the nationals stage again. i've played on few official games which helped me gain confidence and i learn to trust not only others but myself as well.
every game that i play, i dedicate it to my mom. i live up to her name, wanting to make her proud.
to everyone, please do accept and listen to your loved one's advices. do not wait for something bad to happen first before you make a move.
take their words and trust yourself. and i hope that whatever you do, you succeed and fly high.
thanks for reading this.
ordinaryguy
college of nursing
karasuno high
