Rewrite the Stars

Chapter Twenty Two - Conflicted Opinions

Benjamin stares at me with sympathy swirling in his eyes. That is the exact reason why I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to pity me. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me.

"Don't look at me that way." I tell him in a soft voice.

"What way?" His tone matching mine.

"Like you feel sorry for me. I don't want you to feel sorry for me." My eyes are hard, even though I feel like crying.

Benjamin grabs my hands in his and squeezes tight. "You think I feel sorry for you?" He asks me. "You are the bravest girl I know." He admits before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a tight hug. He squeezes me so hard that I feel the air whoosh out of my lungs. "You are a very strong girl." He murmurs and I can feel his body shaking.

I pull back from the hug and look at the tears that are falling down his face. This is the first time I have ever seen Benjamin cry. A man does not show his tears because it's a sign of weakness, but here is Benjamin being in his most vulnerable state in front of me.

"You're crying." I state the obvious. "Why are you crying?" I ask him.

Benjamin rubs his hands underneath his eyes, drying his tears. "You went through all of this pain on your own. You went through chemotherapy without having me by your side" He is crying for me. Those tears are meant for me.

"I had my parents and sister." I told him.

"It's not the same." He told me. "Why didn't you tell me, Rosa?" He composed himself. "I should've fought harder to know where you were. I should've asked more questions. I shouldn't have just shoved it under the rug."

He is blaming himself and I feel bad about it.
"I didn't want you to see me in that state. I didn't want you to see the sick girl." This time, sympathy is clear in his eyes. "I didn't want you to remember me in that way in case I never made it."

"But, you made it."

"I didn't know that then!"

Benjamin stands up and runs his hand through his hair in frustration. He faces the wall and doesn't say anything. This is not how I imagined things would be when I tell him. He suddenly turns around and looks at me with fiery eyes.

"Why didn't you give me a choice?" His voice is hard. "You didn't want me there, but what about what I wanted?" I don't utter a word. "Say something!" He yells as he grabs my shoulders.

"What do you want me to say?" I tell him as I feel my vision blurring, hot tears welling up and beginning to slide down my cheeks.

"Tell me why you didn't give me a choice." He yells. "I wanted to be there. I wanted to be with the person I love." He releases his hold on me and walks back and forth in the living room.
He stops and stares at me with penetrating eyes. "I should've been able to decide, god dammit."

"Decide what?" I yell as tears keep spilling down my face. "Decide that you want to be with a sick girl?" Benjamin is silent as he keeps staring at me so I take it as a chance to continue "I made the decision for you because I wanted you to live a better life than me. I wanted you to be happy even if it was with someone else."

"You didn't have the right to do that!" He yells. "You didn't have the right to take away my choice." Benjamin walks towards the sofa and takes a seat beside me. His hand are on his face and he rubs his eyes with the palm of his hands. "You hurt me by leaving me out of the loop from something as big as this."

"Cancer patients relapse." I inform him. "We spend our life in and out of the hospitals." Benjamin isn't looking at me, but I know he's listening to every word I'm saying. "I made the choice for you because I didn't want to burden you. I didn't want to be someone that you feel the need to take care of." Benjamin turns his face to look at me. "I promised myself I wouldn't get back with you because there's a chance that I'll relapse again, and I know that this time I might not be brave enough to win the battle."

"Then why are you back with me now?" He looks deep into my eyes.

"Because I couldn't stay away." I whisper. "As much as I tried to, I couldn't." I admit selfishly.

"Then don't." His voice is softer than before. "I'm willing to take the risk."

I shake my head. "You're not understanding the extent of it, Ben." I tell him hoping he would understand. "You're just thinking with your heart."

"I understand perfectly well what you're telling me." His tone is sharp. "My answer remains the same. I'm willing to take the risk." He enunciates each word. I can't hold his stare anymore so I look down at my pajama bottoms like they're the most interesting thing in the world. "I want you, Rosa." My eyes snap up to him.

"I'm a failed cause, Ben." I try to reason with him.

"I don't care." He sounds exasperated. "I want to be with you, but apparently you don't because you're trying to come up with every excuse under the sun just to not be with me when I'm standing here begging to be with you."

"That's not right." I shake my head.

"Unfortunately, it is." Benjamin stands up. "I won't beg you to take me anymore because as I stand here talking to you with stones in my chest where hope used to lie, I have come to realize that there's nothing lovely or romantic about having to continuously convince you to take me back or love me." Benjamin just stands there waiting for me to say something. However, my mind is a jumbled mess and I can't seem to be able to utter a single word. Benjamin nods firmly once then walks to the door. His hand stays on the doorknob for a moment before he turns around and looks at me.

"I wish you a great life, Rosa. I really do." He turns the doorknob and walks out the door.

My mind and my heart are in a battle. Go after him. My hart screams while my mind yells for me to let him go. It's for the best. I let the tears fall down as I let my mind win the battle.

**********
Remember to vote, share, comment, recommend, add ' Rewrite the Stars' to your reading list, and follow. :)