MY UNTOLD STORY

Holidays

Do not judge me for anything in this chapter. Just writing this chapter put me in tears. Instead of coping directly from two journal entries I wrote how everything went but from my POV now.
This is the longest chapter so far in this book and I'd appreciate it if you all read it carefully and took the time to see it in my POV.

Growing up I couldn't stand holidays yet I also loved them! I couldn't wait for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, or my birthday.

I always loved waiting for them bc I got to see both sides of my family. My moms side and my new step moms side.

Though I always somehow got in trouble during those times.

One Christmas when we lived on beach side I remember running down stairs early Christmas morning happy and excited! I ran down and saw our whole living room was absolutely filled with gifts! Definitely our biggest Christmas ever!

I ran back up stairs to wake everyone up filled with joy!

That is until my dad yelled at me for going downstairs before everyone else...

He told me I now had to wait upstairs for awhile while everyone else was downstairs happy as could be. I sat on my bed in my bedroom crying my eyes out until my dad yelled for me to come downstairs. Wiping my tears and heading down my dad told me to get over myself and be happy he let me still open my gifts.

You could say I wasn't in the best mood for the rest of the day.

I opened all my gifts with a half smile on my face. Of course I was happy and grateful for everything I received, but after being yelled at I wasn't in a holiday spirit.

Returning to my room with my gifts I laid them all out on my bed and started finding places for them. I still remember my favorite gift from that year. It was an acoustic guitar. I had been wanting one for awhile bc my grandpa was teaching me how to play his. When I looked at it I felt joy and happiness but on the outside you couldn't tell. We all went back downstairs for breakfast and I remember my dad asking me if I was happy about my new guitar I told him I loved it but I didn't show any enthusiasm. Though I didn't know that when I said it. He got up from the table a smacked me in the face telling me to be more appreciative. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT COST ME AND YOUR MOTHER? STOP BEING A BRAT AND BE APPRECIATIVE!"

I remember my exact words being I often said them a lot throughout the years. I remember rubbing my face while saying through tears "I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound like I wasn't."

My dad has a short fuse and he told me I ruined his day and to get out of his face till my grandparents came over so I sat in my room and cried till I heard the voice of my savior coming from downstairs. My grandmother was here. I waited until I was called and then took off running into her arms.

My grandma never knew the extent of my dads anger she had never seen him hit me. So when she asked me why I was crying I told her it was because I was so happy to see her and excited for the day. She knew me to well and saw right through me...

My dad didn't approve of me clinging to her the rest of the day.

*****

Easter... new house new year, year unknown...

I was just waking up and heard my whole family in the house up and awake. They were all in the living room. I got up and heading their way.

Once in there I went straight to the couch. My little siblings were all over the place. My step mom just stayed seated on the couch. Unlike The Christmas story from above ^^^ my grandparents came before I woke up and before breakfast. I had a great morning with them. We opened up our Eater baskets played an Easter hunt. It was amazing!!

But then my grandparents left...

We ended up eating breakfast but all I wanted was toast. I'm not a huge fan of eggs and that's what they were having besides toast. I ate my toast happily but my dad told me to eat everything on my plate when I tried getting up.

Dad "sit down and finish your food"

Me "but I don't like eggs..."

Dad "I don't care finish your food or your not getting anything else later!" He was yelling now.

Me "dad please I'm really not that hungry"

Dad "Shawna shaiylin I said fucking eat it!!"

I started eating tiny bits taking my time. My dad finally got tired of it and grabbed my eggs off my plate and shoved them in my hair and face.

Dad "I said fucking eat"

All the eggs were all over me and the floor and table I started choking on eggs that were shoved in my mouth. Once I spit it out he got pissed off at me and told me to clean up the fucking mess I made and get to my fucking room for the rest of the day. Once again ruining the day for everyone...

I felt like the worst person in the world not knowing how it all escalated like it did.

Why didn't I just eat it? Why didn't I do what he asked it was my fault for him doing what he did. I ruined the day for everyone like always. They all deserves to laugh at me when he smashed it all on me. I deserved to be treated the way I was. I was the outcast-the black sheep. I didn't deserve to be there. I wanted to hurt myself I wanted to take all the pain and misery out of their life that I caused them. I wanted them to be rid of the stupid girl who only ruined every thing.

Later that night I went into the bathroom to take a shower as my usual routine at night. I ended up taking a bath instead and slitting my thighs with a razor. I didn't know how deep the cut had to be to actually hurt myself. So I dug the razor deep causing a lot of blood to just flow out.

Three minutes after the girl I owe my life to knocked on the door...

My younger sister Samantha yes she is the only one I have named bc I will forever be in her debt. I have never told her that she saved my life and I might not ever tell her, but I will always have her to thank for my existence.

A knock on the door startled me causing me to lift my head. I answered only saying yes.

She called me sissy and told me she had to use the bathroom really bad and couldn't wait.

I couldn't let my little sister be the one to find me I couldn't do that to her she was only around 4-6 at the time. I quickly jumped from the tub and drained the water telling her to give me a minute. Hurrying up cleaning the tub I ran out of the bathroom with the towel pressed firmly on my thighs and covering me up. Running straight to my room I put pressure on the cuts and wrapped them up.

Feeling awful about what I just did I cried myself to sleep thinking how low I've become, how depressed I was.

I needed help and I wasn't going to get it from that side of my family...

I know now that none of what my dad did to me was my fault. Not eating the eggs sure that was my dumb decision. I did not tell my dad to make me choke from smashing eggs in my mouth and on my face. I didn't tell him to yell at me. None of that was my fault and I know that now. At the time though I thought every hit, kick, punch, push was all my fault. I thought I'd never let them be happy if I was around. No one else ever got into trouble it was just me. I regret fully trying to take my life. It was the first time, but it wasn't the last time I tried doing it and for that I'm sorry. I was depressed. I was scared and thought if anyone should take my life it should be me. I hated myself and who I was and who my family was. I hated that my mom passed away and left me to have to experience life without a true mother figure. I hated that she was gone and I had to endure being abused. I hated myself and I hated my life...

I never want to feel like that again. I refuse to put myself in a situation that would make me feel like that again!

If you support me in continuing writing this book about myself please comment and vote. Every comment is support for me knowing that I'm not in this alone. Every vote is someone telling me they support me and believe in me.

Yours truly Shaiy💚