I miss summer (the cheap melting popsicles staining bathing suits the color of bubblegum, the bitter lemonade, the spotless sunglasses and sounds of rich men driving their cars, the tiny little umbrellas and little girls playing with dolls outside, stupidly running through the sprinkler in my Sunday dress, feeling the grass beneath my bare feet: hot to the touch. barbecued.)
and because I miss summer
I feel as if I am daytime, too (brown skin looks best underneath the sun, like something satiny and shiny— like skin is threads dipped in gold and twice as valuable because no one wears it. hot off the runway. my legs are out. I'm wearing dresses like I'm pretending to be feminine. my hair is staticky and sometimes there are moths stuck in it. but I don't notice so the effect is dignifying. persephone agrees. I am prettier in summertime. and daytime, when I am awake and moving. it is easier for me to worry about what I look like when there's light. rather than when it is pitch black and I am pretending I am asleep. the sun is sympathetic.)
but that's not the case
I don't sleep much
but that is because I am dancing
in the darkness, I direct a movie (yes, when I throw up my hands— lights, camera, action! the curtains burst open, there is a flurry of spotlight, and I am whirling about. my music is so loud that even if I took out my earbuds I'd still be able to dance. hands stretch out towards things I can't see, then I pull them back. I dance wildly and madly and I can't even remember anything because the night is stuck within my bones and I am stuck within its. bones, I mean. bones like saturn and the moon. the moon smiles. I am struck by my strange and beautiful imaginings. as I dance, I am taking back to a wondrous dream I had when I was younger: of dancing alone in my basement, which is a large and open space, with zero possibility for any light. coming down the stairs to meet a large and benevolent dragon, with stars for eyes. she watches me dance, and breathes gently over me— sending a spilling of galaxies over my shoulders and curling through my hair. the music becomes angel music. I become a hurricane. and the night becomes me. persephone is sleeping, but nix is awake. why do we forget about nix? she is an ancient, rumbling goddess. she has rhythm and leaping girls lined across her crown. nix enjoys my dancing. it is our little secret. ours and the dragon's.)
and so I am a moon spirit
because I dance for the birth of stars
and the death of suns
they are all one and the same, really
I dance for the nights I don't sleep
because dancing keeps me awake
me and the endless joy
the darkness and I fall in love
we fall apart
we come together
and we die.
it is all so beautiful.
(end. scene.)
