Damsel in the Dust

6

Night has settled in around us, from the inky black sky dotted with swaths of glittering stars to the serenade of cicadas in the trees. The air is thick with humidity. I breathe deep and settle into my chair, imagining the summer air wrapping around me like a blanket. My aunt always hated the humidity in the summer, said it made her a "sticky frizz ball", but I've always loved it.

The sense of contentment spreading through my limbs makes them heavy, and I feel myself relax completely for the first time in a long time. I hear Maive sniffle and Jake shift in his chair, but the sounds bring me comfort, reminding me that I am not alone.

I don't know how long we sit there in the stillness. Jake moves first though, gently rising from his chair and offering to take the empty ice cream cartons from Maive and me. I smile and hand him mine, standing to follow him inside.

I disappear into the linen closet, pulling down blankets and spare pillows. I can't remember when or how we accumulated so much extra bedding, but I'm grateful I have something to offer my guests. Arms piled high, I cross back into the kitchen, calling to Jake and Maive to follow me out to the barn.

If I had been walking my guests out to the barn behind my childhood home, I would've been too embarrassed to even offer. It was an ancient shack, cracking boards hiding broken furniture and unwanted toys. I dreaded having to go out there because I could never quite scrub away the brush of webs from hundreds of spiders after going inside. I would feel them crawling on me long after I had run back out into the yard, frantically brushing my arms and legs, only to find nothing. They would creep into my nightmares, too. It took days to recover from a trip into that barn.

My barn now though, that was another story. It was beautiful, newer than the house, was way cleaner than any barn I'd played in as a kid, and had every amenity you could think of. It was almost sad that it sat empty. Shawn hated horses, livestock, or anything to do with farming really. I never quite understood why he'd picked this place, or how he even found it. The girl I was a year ago, smitten, madly in love with the newcomer to this boring country life, hadn't paid any attention to things like that when we moved in. Now I'm not sure I want to know the answers.

I unlock the double barn doors and slide one open, flipping on the lights. They flicker to life, illuminating the clean concrete floor and bare stalls. The scent of hay lingers, a ghost of the life that used to inhabit this place. I walk past the office, which Shawn keeps locked even though the barn itself is already locked, and head for the ladder leading up to the loft.

"There's a bathroom right here," I say, pointing toward a door behind the office. "And there's two ways to get up to the loft. The ladder," I nod toward the wooden ladder straight ahead, "or the stairs."

I cross to the stairs. I've always loved climbing the ladder, reveling in the memories doing so brings flooding back, but with the pillows and blankets in my arms, it's not possible. I've spent countless evenings in this loft, breathing in the musky scent of fresh hay and sweaty horses that suffuses every barn no matter how long its been empty. Climbing the ladder, I feel like I'm ascending away from the quiet, timid girl I have become and making my way back toward the strong, independent woman I always thought I was. I don't know when I lost sight of her, but being alone in here always reminds me that she's still inside of me somewhere.

There are a couple of camping bed rolls strewn around on the loft floor and tables made from empty crates. When we first moved in, I had explored the barn thinking I might set up a little studio in here instead of the house. I found everything like this but couldn't bring myself to disturb anything. Somehow, these empty beds made me feel less lonely out here on the edges of the county as if their owners were on their way back and would climb up to join me any minute. I often wondered about the people that slept here in the past. I pictured a gaggle of ranch hands, deeply tanned from long days in the sun, playing cards in the loft before going to sleep. I don't know why, I never did find a deck of cards.

"Do people stay here often?" Maive asks.

"No. These belonged to whoever lived here before me. I just left them here after I found them, good thing, I guess. I never would have thought that they'd come in handy," I reply, laying the pile of pillows on top of one of the rolls.

"Lucky us," Maive says.

"Yes, very lucky for us," Jake chides. "Thank you again, Leah. I can't tell you how much we needed this."

I just smile, unsure of how to handle this much gratitude. Maive is stacking two of the bedrolls, arranging blankets into what looks like a cozy little nest. I envy her for being able to find comfort so quickly.

"If you head up to the house in the morning I'll make breakfast before you head out again," I tell them both before turning back toward the ladder.

I close the barn doors behind me and make my way back up to the house. I check the locks on all of the doors once I get inside, drawing the curtains before going to take my shower. As the hot water rushes over me I make a decision, one that I'm afraid might change my life forever.

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A/N: A shorter update today, but the next one gives us a glimpse into the beginnings of Shawn and Leah's relationship. Hold on because it's a thriller!

What do you think Leah's decision is?