The Eye of a Hurricane

Pippa

I was like a child on Christmas morning.  As soon as Lin woke up, I wanted to leave to go to the hospital.  I didn't want to spend another minute away from Ellie than I absolutely had to.  I was barely sleeping, thinking about how my helpless little daughter was miles away, out of reach.  Was she wondering where I was?

Lin stirred so I got up and went to the bathroom.  I quickly showered, putting my hair up in a topknot.  I looked at myself in the mirror.  There were bags under my eyes and I looked terrible.  This was the most stress I'd ever been under.  It was a different stress than I'd ever had.  Sure, I'd been stressed about finals or an audition, but my child's life was in danger.  There was no greater worry a parent would ever experience.

When I came out, Lin was still in bed.  I sat on the edge and put my hand on his arm.  "Lin?"  I gently shook him.  "Lin?"

"Hmmm?" he asked groggily.

"I need to go to the hospital," I told him.  "Are you up?"

"Yeah, sure," he said, scrubbing a hand over his face.

"I'll start some coffee," I said.  I went out to the kitchen and started the brew.  I grabbed a breakfast bar from the pantry and made myself eat it.  I'd definitely lost some weight.  After the coffee was ready, I poured some in a travel mug for myself and added a drop of milk.  I heard Lin in the hallway telling the girls to get up, so I made my exit. 

I felt guilty that I'd been away from home so much, but I felt like I couldn't be away from Ellie.  What if she took a sudden turn for the worse?  What if she died alone with no one with her?  I couldn't let that happen.

These thoughts plagued me constantly.  I hopped on the subway and was soon at the hospital.  The receptionists and a lot of the staff knew me by name.  I knew shortcuts in the building now.  After taking a back staircase, I reached the NICU and greeted Ellie's overnight nurse.

"She's stayed steady all night," she reported as we both looked down at my daughter.  "Strong girl."

I smiled proudly.  She was tiny but she was determined to live.  I touched my belly, which still protruded from holding her for six months, wishing she was still there instead of in this box.  The nurse pulled up a chair and I began my daily routine.  I spent several minutes just talking to her, telling her about what I'd dreamt.  I brought books to read to her and music to listen to.  The most important thing was that she heard my voice and knew I was there.

She still hadn't opened her eyes.  I wanted to look into them desperately; wanted her to see me and recognize me.  Did she know I was her mother?  Could she tell she'd grown inside me?

The time always seemed to pass quickly.  Around 9:00 Lin joined me.  It was important to me that he talked to her as well; recognized his caring voice.  Lin told her about what the girls had been doing and the toys they'd just bought for her room.  Lin's face was a mixture of complete adoration and despondence.  I could tell he was completely in love with his daughter but was terrified he would lose her.

We were quiet after a while as our daughter slept, fighting for her life.  We held hands, just sitting with each other.  No one knew if this little family would ever make it out of this room together. 

I was exhausted but my mind didn't want to let me sleep.  Most of the time it came when I was in Lin's arms, which he was aware of.  He sat with me, wrapping his arms around me.  I rested my head against his shoulder and let me eyes close.  If he was nearby I was safe. Ellie was safe.

___

A couple weeks later we let the girls finally come meet their cousin.  We talked at length before, telling them how she had a breathing tube and lots of wires all around her body.  I'd picked up one of Luna's baby dolls and told them that's about how small Ellie was.

When we walked in as a family the girls were instantly smitten.  They didn't seem to even notice that she was in a box.  They got up close and said hello and talked to her excitedly.  Lin and I stood back, his hand on my shoulder, as we watched.  It helped to see them with Ellie.  They were accepting her and already loved her.  Ellie would have two protectors once she got out.

"Can I hold her?" Luna asked me.

"No, sweetheart," I told her.  "No one's been able to hold her.  She's too fragile."

She twisted her lips to the side, dissatisfied with the answer.  Hopefully we'd be allowed to hold her soon, but the risk of her getting sicker was just too great right now.  We didn't want to take any chances.  She was still supposed to be inside me anyway so it's not like I would've held her in regular circumstances anyways.

____

When my due date came and went, it got harder.  I thought she would've been completely fine and healthy by this point but she was still fighting.  She was only 5 pounds, 9 ounces.  The doctors assured us she was making good progress but still needed time.  We tried to be patient but it was so hard.

Finally, the day came when we could get her out and hold her.  I was first of course.  That day we arrived as soon as possible.  I sat down and the nurse smiled widely as she picked Ellie up and placed her in my waiting arms.

"Hi, sweet girl," I cooed, my finger finding her fist.  She instantly grasped it.  It was like a baby reflex.  Her eyes were closed, but her face looked contented.  Lin stood next to me, looking down at our sleeping Ellie.

I probably held her for a good half hour before I let Lin have a turn.  He sat next to me and I very slowly passed her over.  Of course, she opened her eyes for her father.  They were a gorgeous chocolate brown.

I could watch Lin with Ellie forever.  His voice changed - it was so gentle and caring and the look in his eyes made me melt.  Lin was completely head over heels for her.  I gently rubbed at her foot underneath the blanket, wanting to touch her as much as I could.

Ellie started to fuss so we let the nurse check her diaper and change it.  She offered to let me try breast feeding and I readily agreed.  Lin helped me adjust her until her mouth was in the right place then she latched on easily.  It was such an odd feeling but I loved it.  Finally, I was able to do something for my daughter.  She fed hungrily for the first time.

After a good feeding, Lin burped her then we laid her back down to rest.  She wouldn't be in the NICU for much longer if she kept gaining weight and strength.  It was even harder to leave her now that I could hold her.  I wanted to hold her non-stop, but she still needed care.

We didn't want to risk the girls holding Ellie just yet.  She was still so delicate and kids carried germs.  It was hard for Luna to understand, but we promised she could hold her soon.

Finally the day came when we could take our Ellie home.  She was still tiny - only 6 pounds 11 ounces.  Lin's parents helped a lot with getting the nursery ready for her.  It was gorgeous and had a cozy little rocking chair.

We were finally able to let the girls hold their little cousin.  Isabel went first since she was the oldest.  We got lots of pictures of her smiling down at Ellie.  When it was Luna's turn we set up lots of pillows and I sat next to her.

"She's so tiny!" Luna exclaimed, looking up at us.

"She is," I agreed.  "So we have to be very careful with her."

With Ellie finally home it felt like our little family was complete.  I loved having Luna and Isabel around.  They both wanted to help with the baby and I let them do some things.  Their favorite thing to help with was bath time.  Ellie absolutely loved bath time.  She kicked her little fit and let out happy grunts.

I watched from the couch as Lin walked around with Ellie in his arms, gently shooshing her.  Fatherhood looked damn good on him.  It was so sweet to see how caring and gentle he was with our daughter.  Once she'd calmed down Lin sat on the couch with me and he looked down at her.

"How do you like your new home, huh?" he asked her gently, rubbing her cheek gently with his finger.  I sat close to him and we looked down at her sleeping face.  I let out a contented sigh, looked at Lin, and gave him a kiss.  I was so in love with our little family.