Am I a Villainess?

Scattered Dreams

In my first life, I had a miscarriage a year into my marriage, I was still in college and blamed myself for not taking care of my body. I stressed and stayed up for long nights studying, sometimes I'd go days with only short naps. I was excited for the baby, but so focused on school that I forgot take care of myself. And when I woke up to the blood, I knew that I had failed.

My doctor told me it was common, one in four during the first trimester. I needed someone to blame, so I blamed myself. I felt so guilty that I stopped going to school afterwards because I fell into such a deep depression.

Celeste had a worse experience than I did. Her miscarriage was in the second trimester, early on, but still traumatizing. She did not leave her room for a month.

Flora started feeding me mashed foods and my father rarely visited. Orion read to me every night instead.

My father finally visited me after a month. He looked so tired and despondent. I felt like I would never see him smile again. He sat in the corner of the room, his aura causing a pall across the room.

I sat up and looked at him, he was looking at me, but I don't thing he saw me. His mind was a million miles away.

I had to distract him, cheer him up maybe.

The bars on the cradle were within reach. I'd been practicing standing when no one was looking. Now was the moment of truth. I grabbed the bars and adjusted my feet. I pulled with my arms and pushed with my fat legs until I stood proudly and looked my father in his eyes.

His eyes widened and jaw slackened and he rose from the chair staring at me.

It was too quiet so I tried to speak.

"ma....ma. Mama."

He picked me up and hugged me tight, I felt hot tears on the nape of my neck. He smelled strongly of alcohol. I patted his cheek trying to comfort him.

After a while he placed me back in the crib and stumbled out drunk.

)O(

"Is the lady still ill."

I heard the maids speak as they cleaned my room. Celeste had isolated herself for the past two months. I was little more than eight months old now. I was sitting up and had taken to throwing my toys about the room. I would call for my mother every day but I was never taken to her.

"It is an illness of the heart." Flora answered.

The other maid let out a sigh. Her name was Clover and she had light green hair...green hair.

"The Lord seems more sullen than usual. I hear he's taken to drink.

"The lord has the weight of the ministry on his back, his naval commitment. And the tragedy of the ladyships miscarriage. He is handling as best he can, and we have a responsibility to support him."
Flora sternly admonished Clover who blushed and hurried with her work. Flora always defended my parents especially father. Her family had been serving his for decades, and she was a childhood friend of his.

I crawled to the door and slammed my hands against it. "Mama!"

I was stubborn. I did this every day and Flora was always troubled because I would throw a tantrum until I passed out in exhaustion. I felt a little guilty for adding to her work load. But Celeste needed me.

I started my tantrum, screeching for my mother until I became too tired to continue. Flora took me to my crib. And tried to sing me a song. She didn't have a bad singing voice, but she couldn't compare to Celeste.

Orion came in with a book under his arm and I stopped fussing.

"Ori" I said bouncing and reaching for him.

Orion smiled and patted my head. He kissed my cheek before sitting down next to my crib to read to me. He had taken our father's nightly task while our parents wallowed in despair.

Flora left bowing low before exiting the room.

"Your mother doesn't want you to see her like that, so you have to be patient."

Orion always called Celeste my mother, never "our" or mother. I think our father had been married once before. I don't know what happened to Orion's mother, but he never spoke about her.

He read a story to me and I dozed off to his soft voice. Orion was always gentle with me.

)O(

I woke up late into the night and felt something deep in the pit of my stomach. The feeling stayed until the morning.

My father visited me in the afternoon with Orion, he looked troubled and exhausted but he picked me up and kissed my cheek...why did he smell like Flora?

"How long will you be gone for?" Orion asked. He was always so formal.

"The transition of power will take some time. The new king will be crowned and I will have to bend the knee and say my vows. So will you one day. His son is of an age and will attend the academy with you. Best not to make an enemy. A marriage alliance will be decided soon, especially since the Queen had twins last year."

Orion nodded stone faced, I gave Draco a judgemental glare. Orion is six, can you please stop treating him like an adult.

"What about Celeste?"

Draco looked away with guilt, "I've called her mother here to care for her. She should be here tomorrow morning."

Orion looked at Draco with a complicated expression. Draco knelt down so he could look Orion in the eye.

"I would not leave unless I had to. Please understand, if I don't do this our loyalty will be in doubt. We must maintain our relationship to the crown, or else they will see us as a threat."

Orion nodded and Draco ruffled his hair.

"You're the man of the house while I'm gone, make me proud."

"I will."

Father kissed me goodbye then left.

When Flora tucked me in she cried quietly.