"Normal"

Part 1

A.N: Currently rewriting.

I was always a happy-go-lucky and excitable child. In elementary school, I was considered popular because of the many friends that always surrounded me. I seemed to rotate around to different friend groups. I think people liked me because of my kindness and my positive attitude. I was able to get along with teachers and students alike. Everyone knew my name, Willow.
I was school president by 5th grade. It was basically a popularity contest and because I was the most popular girl, it was obvious who the winner was. I admit that I was feeling pretty confident and narcissistic at that time. But, do you blame me? I had everyone on my side;I felt like a queen. The fact that I was spoiled wasn't helping my self-image either.
I was raised in a religious home. I was okay with it. The walls of my house were painted white and covered in crosses. "White is the color of purity," my mom sighed as she wiped sweat from her forehead, exhausted from painting the walls. We prayed every breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
We went to church every Sunday and holiday. I wasn't allowed to celebrate Halloween because it was the "devils night" as my mother called it. I'm not sure if that's a common occurrence in religious households but my mom was strictly against it.
Don't get me wrong, my mom was a great mother. In fact, she made my life very happy. Everyday, I had someone on my side; someone to play with, someone who defends me. But, she watched my every move. I love her but she was way too protective. I understand, I'm her only child. The only person she has. I played an important part in her life. So I understand.... I do.
By the time I knew it, I was moving on and taking the next big step in my journey of life; the step which would make the following years of my hell, Middle School.
As had happened in elementary school, I had so many friends. Never once was I alone. I couldn't even remember everyone's name but nevertheless, I was thankful.
       The one person I couldn't ever forget even if I truly tried was my best friend, a beautiful girl named Holly. I truly loved her. I couldn't imagine life without her. This was the first time I ever experienced love and it confused the hell out of me.
       At first, I thought it was just excitement from our friendship that'd tint my cheeks pink and get me flustered by the simple sound of her voice. But, friendship doesn't do that to you. It really doesn't. I absolutely hated that I loved her, to my core. But sexuality is not a choice and I just couldn't hold my feelings back.
       I forced myself to hold my feelings back. She was straight. Not that there's anything wrong with being straight... I just wished that she'd love me back and I did not want to force my lustful sexuality on her. It's a sin. Even with the knowledge burning into my ears at every last second, I still wished she would run her fingers through my hair and kiss my forehead as we cuddled on the couch. I still wished she would hold my hand, even in public where everyone can see this act of sin. So, it could be a reminder that yes, I am going to hell. So what? But, in the depths of my mind, I truly hated myself.
        One thing I admired about Holly was her straight, dark brown hair that looked flawless no matter the weather. She had pale skin that flushed easily. Whenever a cute boy would even look in her direction, she'd blush furiously. It honestly made me jealous but seeing the way her eyes sparkle when she talked to me would take away that feeling instead replacing it with a new thought, "I wish she would look at me like that". Butterflies would beat their wings against my stomach whenever I was in her presence. I always felt the pounding of my heart beat against my rib cage. But still, we were friends and I didn't want to ruin that friendship.
Until one day, I made a stupid decision that ended it all. I decided to try coming out to her, it was so difficult.  My exact words were, "Hey Holly... I-I kinda like girls. Um, like in a romantic way and I think you might be one of them." Holly laughed at me and whispered that she was going to tell everyone, like a child. The butterflies dropped dead and my heart shattered. I really hoped she would be more accepting. I hoped our friendship would be stronger than her fucking stupid homophobia. I remember hanging my head in shame. I had tears threatening to spill out like an old dam that hadn't been renovated in years, keeping the hazardous pools called my tears from spilling out.
        She told everybody that I was gay like she said she was going to. "I'm going to hell," I'd always think. Hell had always been a scary concept. The hell I imagined was filled with fire nipping me and demons flying around, whispering unspeakable sentences into my ears. Satan ruling over everything like we his slaves and hell was his palace. Hard labor for all no matter if they were murderers, like Ted Bundy or gays, like me.
         I wasn't really bullied for it. I guess I was just so popular no one believed her. One kid did believe it. His name was Ace. He had bright pink hair, dark skin, and was  flamboyantly gay. I really admired him for his bravery. (Sad that we have have to call him brave for not being afraid to show his sexuality.) He just walked up to me one day when my friends weren't around and said, "Hi! I'm Ace. I heard that you're lesbian by some rumors. Don't worry. It is not a bad thing to be gay. Sexuality is not a shameful construct. In fact you should be proud of it. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'll be around." I took a moment to process his speedy talking but once I did, it hit me like a wave. The tears that were long waiting to spill out did. i really needed to hear those words.
        Ace became my best friend. We did everything together. I just wanted to protect this precious child, the one who brightened my world even if just the slightest bit. He was so cute and pure. I wanted to protect his cute, innocence. He was there for me when no one else was. I began losing interest in my other friends. They weren't real friends. They were just friends with me for my popularity (which I started losing very quickly.)I started to only hang out with Ace. After all, he was my best friend.

By the time 8th grade came, my mom developed cancer. The world stopped for just a moment when we heard her diagnosis. The colors had become a little darker. I no longer noticed the beautiful skies or the pretty trees. I just kept my eyes low. I was no longer smiling all the time. I was just upset, but convinced she would make it. She was my only family member left, I'd have to be an orphan. Was I being punished by God? If she went to heaven, I would never get to meet her there. God, I wish I was straight. Ace really helped me through that dark time. Ace helped me decide to come out to my mom. If she did die, I would want to tell her before that potentially happened. When I arrived at the hospital room, I started spilling my feelings, "Mom.... I'm a lesbian. But before you say anything," I narrowed my eyes, "I don't care what you say. If you accept me that's great. But just know that if you don't, then I'm not coming back here. I don't need to be a part of someone's life if they don't accept me for who I am. Mom. You know I love you. Now prove that you love me back by saying the words, 'Ok. Daughter, I accept you.' It would mean the world to me. Even if you don't approve of me being lesbian, just please say those words." I'll never forget the look on her face. She looked so disappointed. I felt guilty. "Ok.... daughter. I accept you." She said averting her eyes. I know she still loves me. Sexuality does not affect her feelings. Thank God. "Mom... I know that you don't mean those words. It's okay. Tell me that I'm going to hell. Tell me that it's disgusting. Tell me that you're disappointed! Just lying like that is proof of how much you love me." I said slowly. She looked me in the eyes. "Willow, it's fine. I'll get over it. I'm just a bit shocked that's all. I'm not used to this gay concept. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life." I nodded and replied, "thank you, mother." My eyes welled up with tears. I was so glad. I walked out of the room only to find Ace waiting there, pestering me with questions. So cute. <3