Cinnamon Sugar || Zerkstar

I Love You but This is Goodbye

Freya

I find myself crying again. Josh has been so out of it for these past couple months and I don't know what's wrong.

What did I do? Where did we go wrong? I thought we would get married.

Suddenly, I'm back to the first date we had. The Italian restuarant that kicked us out for being too loud but I remember laughing all night.

As I touch the photo of us next to my bedside, I go back to the first school dance we went to. We spent all night dancing and I spilled my drink on him but we laughed it off.

We always laughed it off.

Senior year was our year. We both had tough times but we got through it. My best friend died in a car crash but he helped me through every second. Second, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months I cried. He stuck by my side.

He wiped away every tear that fell.

First year anniversary. He remade our first date. We went to the same park after we went to the restuarant and got chased to the car by geese after feeding the ducks.

We went to that park many times after. It became our spot. Our own get away. A place we can hang out and talk about the universe and what it all means.

Three year anniversary. We went to Paris. He didn't propose, like my friends were thinking he would, but we still had our fun. The world was our oyster. We weren't ready for marriage and we were both okay with that.

Our first Halloween party. We went to Tobi's party. He was my dragon and I was his unicorn. We drank the night away and didn't care about tomorrow's hangover.

Second Valentine's day date. He set up a map of places and left notes and clues at each destination. By the end of the day, I met him under a willow tree. He's in a suit and tie, holding a single red rose that's encased in gold. I cried. I'd never been so happy as we slow danced to our song.

I knew he was the one that day. The one that I'll love forever. The one I'll marry and have kids with. The one that'll take care of me forever.

The day Tobi got into a crash was the day that made me step up. Josh didn't sleep once. Not until he knew Tobi was safe. I've never seen Josh in such a wreck and I never will. He cried and went to the hospital every single day. He crushed Tobi in a hug the second his eyes fluttered open.

And now we're here. We've grown so distant that there's no way to salvage it. I know that it's over so I grab my car keys and drive the familiar roads to his place. I knock on the door of the house. Simon answers and calls Josh down instantly.

"Jooooooosh, your girlfriend is here!"

The word girlfriend rang in my head.

I can't believe I have to end this. I love him. What happened to us?

"I'm coming, I'm coming."

He descends down the stairs and Simon leaves after seeing my eyes tear up. He knew something was up and to stay out of it. Tears fall down my face as I watch Josh walk towards me.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"I...I can't keep doing this."

"Doing what, love?"

He steps closer to me and gently wipe away a tear.

"I can't stay with you anymore..."

The words hung in the air and the tension could be cut with a knife.

"Please tell me that's a joke. I can't lose you. I-I love you, Freya..."

"I-I love you too, but I have to say goodbye. We can't keep doing this. We'll just grow more and more distant."

Tears are falling down both of our faces now. We both know we're over but we can't come to term to it. His hand reaches over and lands on my shoulder.

"Freya...I...Please..."

His voice cracks. I haven't heard him this broken since Tobi's hospitalization. I gently place my hand on top of the one that's on my shoulder and take it off me.

"No Josh...This is goodbye. I'll always remember all the good times we've had.."

We wipe our own tears away. There is no us anymore. It's over. I gently kiss his cheek and whisper softly,

"I love you but goodbye, Josh.."

He nods and kisses my cheek back. I feel his tears land on my shoulder as I hug him. He hugs back but it feels empty. We both know we're broken but it had to end. He softly whispers, voice cracking under emotion.

"Goodbye, Freya. I love you too..."

I smile sadly and turn away. I leave the property before I can go back and beg to be his girlfriend again.

I'll always remember the good times with you, Josh. I hope the next girl is better to you than I ever could've been.