2 am

my headrush

I've been feeling really anxious lately
Every day I get this feeling
That I have to run for my life
Like I'm in great danger, when it's really nothing. I could panic just by walking into the wrong room, or missing my bus even though it wont make me late for school. I want to run away and cry every time.
I guess that's why I've started to cry every day. This feeling, it's so intense that I can't breathe. I know this book is literally just cheesy poems that's here to pity myself. But i cant come up with a poetic way to describe this pain. And I have to hide it, because I dont want to alarm anyone.
I know that it might be anxiety, but I don't want it to be real. I don't want to be that girl. Who has depression, anxiety, is gay and has family problems.
I dont want to be a basic person. I want people to see me as anything else than what I am. I want them to see anything other than how small my eyes are, the fact that I have a white stripe in my hair, how one of my teeth are growing outwards, the way I walk. I just want to go with the crowd. Don't want anyone to see me. It's a real thing for me. I know it shouldn't be, but it is. The only time I enjoy getting attention is when I play music. Not because I'm good at it, but because I know that it calms down people. It does for me. When I listen to live music this feeling, it disappears.

I just want to listen to him play again, the way he can make the piano play these beautiful tunes. How he smiles when he notices that I look at him. The way he plays bass like it's the only thing he's ever done.
If theres one guy I want to know, its him. He doesn't do bad things, and he has the best humor. I wish he liked me. I think he does. But I'm scared that it will go wrong. I'm scared to love. Last time I did, it went south. Pepole always take advantage of my love. And it's made me scared to give it to someone just for them to use it and throw me away. I dont think he would do that though. I hope he wouldn't

I'm sorry about this. I'll delete it later