Diary Entry: My Life in Progress

03/17/2019

Well, these are just a recollection of the past two to three weeks. It's been a bit of a journey. I've had a lot of heart break and I felt like I hit rock bottom for a second. My relationship with people seemed to be rocky. Some in which I didn't know was rocky. I know that my relationship with my boyfriend had been tough because I didn't treat him as he deserved. I had no self control. I hurt him physically many times without realizing it that much in the moment. Words cannot day how much I hate myself for that. I hate myself SO fucking much. That man treats me with so much lone and repeat that when he snaps at me or does anything that hurts my feelings I don't even blame him. I've brought him to that point with my bullshit. I wanted to make this changes many months ago but I never set my mind too much to it until about two or three weeks ago.

I had posted on Snapchat. Not unusual as any other teen, but this day I posted something that said " looking at old snaps like, with a little sad bear looking at a screen. And the description I out was "where's my whole life go". And so my cousin responded saying "idk you've been chaotic" and I didn't respond at that moment. I forgot to answer nun the less I never did. Then later that day she snapped me again but i didn't see it. When I saw she was saying I was ignoring her. I said I didn't mean to I believe. Then the rest is a blur. She then told me how she was done with me. That weekend my parents planned to go on a dancing competition for my sister and I didn't want to go because I didn't enjoy being with my family. I just never get along with them. Then my parents asked if I wanted my boyfriend to go and I agreed. I agreed not because I wanted to go but because I was able to get my boyfriend out of his abusive household. My aunt and uncle were gonna come pick us up. (I forgot to mention that I asked my cousin if she could stay with me at my house because I didn't want to go and my parents didn't allow me to be alone. I did kind of hurt my feeling a little bit I thought it would be a fun weekend with her). When my cousin found this out she was mad. She said how no one is good for me anymore. I asked her what was wrong with him coming and said it was a family thing. No one ever put that specific title and my parents were the ones who offered so I saw no problem. She said how there is something, that I'm anuais e and a terrible person and how my pussy ass boyfriend won't even leave me. I really don't remember what I said because like i said earlier, it was all a blur to me. She said she didn't wanna go anymore. How I'm such a terrible person and how my boyfriend is so good to me. She said she can't completely distance herself from me because were blood. That as a friend she's done with me. I explained why I agreed to go after my parents offered my boyfriend to come. Then all she said was fuck off and go drink. That line was also very personal to me because she wouldn't know I drank at all if it wasn't for my boyfriend. She talked to her frequently. I honestly had no idea he talked to her often at all. I didn't realize how much of out lives he told her. I was upset. Because the first time he cane to her about us it just brought us hell. She kind of just blamed it on me. I think I probably did have a big role in whatever happens but I know my boyfriend did shit too. I knew then that she wasn't a good person to ask for help. I think our relationship is too complex for most people to understand. But yet again, I never liked our business in our relationship to be known by people. That always bothered me. And business about me. But he kept telling her things. I have no idea what they were. I probably will never know because that's the one thing he'll never be completely honest with me about. The last think I knew he told her was one day when I was over her house and my boyfriend was upset because I was "ignoring" him so he told me that what's the point of me ignoring him if I just talk about the same shit. That really hurt my feeling. I talked to my cousin about the issues with my mom because out of everyone I thought she'd understand. I thought she cared, but she just told my boyfriend how I talk about the same shit. It felt like no one cared to be honest and like they were just pretending to like me. I don't know what I did that was bad to her. I know I did bad to my boyfriend. I've never denied that... these things just haunt me every single fucking day. It feels like a weight. That day with the breakup of me and my cousin was my last straw. I didn't really wanna live anymore. Everything felt so empty and hopeless. I felt like no one loved my. My friends all decided they were too good for me. My cousin says I'm a terrible person (I know I am) and my boyfriend, well I know he loves me, but I never imagined that he'd do some of these things and that I would grow to have some distrust in him. All this hurts my heart. These things haunt me. It still haunts me every fucking waking day. I hunk about these things so much that when I do or say things I think if it's gonna be wrong. If it's gonna make me an even worse person. Would my cousin disapprove and shame me because of it.

I know I did wrong but all i wanted was help. I wanted love. I wanted a friend. I wanted someone who could understand me. But I just got emptiness. That's my new best friend...