Goodbye Henry

Love, me

I sat on the edge of my plain bed. I sat in the same place I sat with Henry either after sitting up or before lying back. I fiddled with a piece of paper that Mrs Hunt gave me if I needed to talk to someone. I didn't. My room usually felt pretty big but this time the Walls were caving in. I had texted Henry, no matter how useless it was he used to always respond to me no matter what.

Missing. The words remained stung in my head. How could Henry, the innocent and nothing but sweet boy be missing.
Knock
I look up to see mum leaning ever so slightly into my room.
"You okay?" She said
"No" I mumbled. She shifted and fully stepped into my room.
"I know it-" she began but I didn't let her Finnish
"Mum, nothing you can say will make me feel better right now. I don't think you know how this feels." I looked her straight in the eyes.
"Okay." She looked away and slowly retreated out of my room.
She wouldn't understand I don't think. I had lost my best friend, my only friend really. I had other friends of course but I mean Henry was everything to me.

I now held my phone. I scrolled through our past messages and conversations. I let the tears fall. I didn't want to think it was over yet. Henry had to still be out there right? I wasn't ready to move on. I couldn't move on. Ever. Henry was so special and destined for amazing things. He was meant to grow up and see his first apartment and his first bill, his first real job or his first grocery shopping trip. All these small things that we wanted to see and achieve together. The first steps into adult hood.

I think the very worst part was thinking I'd never see him again. The fact that his last words to me would of been:
"Today was fun as always" our usual hug and "I'll see you tomorrow Lu" I loved being called Lu, lucy was so original. I would of course say "Goodbye Henry" and that thought made me wish I had never said goodbye, or hugged him a little longer.
I started to yearn just to hear him say something, it could of been anything, even an insult but to just hear his voice again. I think my worst mistake was remembering our memories. I was already crazy. It had been 24 hours and was creeping into the day two mark. I knew that it was said, if their not found in 24 hours they're dead. I just prayed that wasn't the case. Henry couldn't be dead right? Not my Henry anyway.

I should stop saying my Henry. He wasn't really mine. I didn't own him. He was just who was around me through every problem, every fight with my mum or every breakup, he was the one bringing me ice cream and sitting with me while I cried. He was the one who when something good happened he was the first I told. He was my best friend. Even Being without him for just two days it hurt. Maybe what hurt more was the chance it could be more than two days without him. I didn't hold back the tears anymore. I let them fall. I watched as my vision became blurred and my hands got more and more wet. I cried for I don't know how long. I saw my now wet patches jeans and realised my pathetic ness. Henry would be angry at me for giving up. I had to believe he was still alive and maybe even found this second. I had to trust my mum would walk into my room excitedly at his return. Henry would of been holding me and telling me how silly I was for being sad. "It's such a waste of time" he would always say. Or "you shouldn't let a person or situation determine how you feel, you feel how YOU want to". I smiled at that thought. This situation and me crying was how I was feeling but not how I wanted to feel. I had to feel how I wanted. I wanted to feel faithful that he was okay or exited to see him again. I tried but i didn't. I just watched my door for any movement or sign of excited mum, may signal she was coming faster than usual. Nothing. Every minute made me feel worse and worse. Over 24 hours and nothing. My heart actually ached with the pain, possibly guilt that I was helpless. Henry would of been brave. Brave for everyone because that's who he was.