A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 15

So Chris called again before I slept last night and he asked me out on a date. This guy does not waste time. For a second there, I thought he would ask me after months of knowing him and I never thought he would actually call me. I wonder what his intentions with me are.

Ever since Thabo, I have never actually dated anyone. Yes, I have been single for ten years straight. Only because if I date, I would have to be completely honest with that guy and  they would have to know everything about me, including where I live and all of that. I had to protect my secret. Dumb reason for not dating right? It is the truth though. I have already lied to Chris, just until I know I can trust him with this first. I do not even know how to identify a trustworthy person, I have been lying my whole adulthood life.

There have been men who tried to ask me out but I was never ready for another relationship commitment in my life. After Thabo I felt like I am not worthy of love. I felt like I could never find a spouse that will bring out the best in me. Thabo was my everything and because I thought he was my forever, I never pictured myself being with anyone else but him. He understood me, he spoiled me, he loved me, well, at least I thought he did.

I loved Thabo and after our break up, I swore to never trust men again, any man. I judged all men according to what Thabo did. He had broken me and I hated him for that, he made me feel worthless and now it is so hard for me to trust anyone because of what he did. I am very cautious right now, I do not just get into relationships. As if I have, he was the last.

After Thabo betrayed me, I instantly gave up on love. My perspective on love totally changed.
I felt like love does not exist anymore. This is everybody being delusional, it will all end the same way. It is like all these men are related, they seem to do the same thing, in different ways. Some are very good at what they do, you will find out they have been lying when you have fallen in too deep. It is not fair, at all.

Chris might seem decent now, but he might also be like Thabo and I am not ready for yet another heartbreak. I do not even know why I am even having such thoughts, I only met the guy once. He might only want friendship. Do I even like him that way?

I used to ask for advice from Zandile but I am so mad at her right now, I will never talk to her ever again. My life is like a whole lesson of betrayal or something, first it was the love of my life, now it is the only person I trusted and called a friend. Somethings are uncalled for, she should have just found a way to lie just like she always made a plan for me.

I am very thankful that none of those women have come here to humiliate me. I guess there was nothing to be afraid of. Fact still stands that the secret is out, but I will remain here until I find a new place to stay. My life is just like some tragic series, if this was on tv, people would either die from boredom or laughter. I am living a joke, or I am the joke myself. Who would even take me seriously?

These ups and downs in my life are so tiring. One moment I am over the moon and the next, I am sulking or drinking my sadness away. What kind of life is that? The sadness is greater than the happiness though. It is a whole cycle and I am so sick of it.

...

It is already Saturday, the week has gone by so fast. I am meeting up with Chris today, he says that he is taking me out on a date to get to know me. I ironically laughed at that. What is there to know about me except my devastating past?

Imagine me saying, "I am Mmmapho, a very messed up individual. I have nothing to my name, I am always broke and I have lied about my  life for years. That is it."

That is not even three sentences. I would keep a straight face telling that story, I would not even make gestures. It is boring. If I had to listen to somebody tell that story, I swear I would yawn after the person tells their name. Even my name is not nice. Who would be excited to meet a Mmampho? I mean, really? What comes to people's minds when they hear Mmampho? Honestly I think of some fifty year old with seven kids. It is better now, imagine when I was five and I was called Mmampho. What were my parents thinking, that is a name for adults man. Besides the name thing, a person telling a story with a straight face does not make it interesting at all, that is why I would get bored.