A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 54

My alarm goes off. I set it earlier so that I can jog today. My conversation with Mavis yesterday about Thabo was nice. It felt great to tell someone about it. Really great.

Also, I had planned that I will go to the municipality office at Mavis' neighborhood, I think I am going to have a long day today.

I  clean first. Why can't he get a maid like Chris? Ugh! Now the thought of his name just disgusts me. Chris is just a huge disappointment.
How did my thoughts trail off from cleaning to Chris?

I cleaned just before I went jogging.

When I come back from jogging, I take a shower then dress in black jeans and a white t-shirt. My typical clothes, jeans and a t-shirt.

Now, I am off to Mavis' neighborhood. Not to her house though, I just have to run some errands in her neighborhood.

After going to the municipality office, I have to go to a school which is also in her neighborhood. I got a few ideas when I was there yesterday. Good thing I still have all my documents from years back. That was the smartest thing I have ever done.

...

"Hey baby." Thabo gives me a kiss as he walks in from work.

"Wow!" The voice behind him startles me.
It's Lesedi.

"What's going on here?" He asks, clearly having the assumption that we are dating already.

There is disappointment accompanying that accurate assumption. He is disappointed in me for letting this happen. It's clear in his facial expressions. This is not the way I hoped he would find out.

Lesedi's POV

It has been a really long day at school today. It's kind of sucks how we wrote our last paper on a Tuesday. I prefer the last paper to be on a Friday, now that would be perfect.

Naledi is still at school, I have no idea why they kept them for so long. I took the taxi to Thabo's house right after having a smoke session with my boys. That was my last time smoking for the rest of the year. Meaning that I will not smoke for a month and this week, if I did my calculations right. I cannot smoke when I have no school because then I would get caught by my mother or my so called father.

The gate is slightly open and I go in. My fath...I mean Thabo's car is here, parked in front of the garage door.

I hope I do not bump into him, I just get some negative energy when I speak to this guy. Perhaps it's because I hate him so much. Hate? A very strong word but I swear I cannot find a better word to describe the way I feel towards him.

As I walk through the door, I see him, I see them; they are kissing.

What the what?!
"Wow!" I say, the sound of my voice must have startled my mom, judging from the horror on her face.

"What's going on here?" I ask and fold my arms in front of me.

My mother has her eyes widened. Honestly, I am very disappointed in her. How could they get back together after everything we have been through because of this monster?

"So both of you cannot speak?" The disrespect is clear in my tone, but wouldn't anybody be disrespectful if they felt betrayed by their own mother?

"Son." Thabo calls on me.

"Don't 'son' me, I asked a question."

Their little act just sobered me up a little.

"I have to tell you something Sedi." My mother says.

I run upstairs, if she wants to talk, she will come after me. I would not want to call Thabo names in front of him.

I leave the door open for my mother.

To my surprise, it's 'perfect daddy' who walks through the door.

"Lesedi, I understand how you feel ab..."

"You understand nothing Thabo. You could never understand how I feel. You have never grown up poor, you were never kicked out of your father's house by your father, you never slept on the streets with a pregnant mother, you never had to keep a family secret growing up, you never had to sleep on the floor your whole life, you never had the void of not having a father before, when kids at school would talk about how their fathers are their mentors, what was I supposed to say Thabo?

"I was never part of those conversations because I did not have a father and I still do not have a father. My father died that night. If you have been through all of that Thabo, then you know exactly how I feel; otherwise just shut up and leave me the heck alone." I yell at him. I am so loud and he is not saying anything, just the way I want this argument to go; with him being helpless, like I was ten years ago, that night.

"I apologized."

"Yes, because apologies take the pain away right? Does it Thabo? Does 'I am so sorry and I mean it,' take the pain away, does it drive the fu..." I purse my lips and ball my fists.

"Does it erase everything that happened, do you think apologizing makes you less of a monster that you are, or that I see you as? Maybe my mother might have forgiven you and given you another chance to play with her emotions all over again, I will not let you in only for you to disappoint me again. Am I clear?" It takes everything in me not to screech or whine right now.

These days the word sorry is meaningless and overused, pretty much like the word 'love.' Saying sorry does not fix the heartbreak one has caused. Sorry is just a word.

Actually, I want to punch him. I want to mess up his face, his life. I want him to feel what I felt or let alone, what I feel.

I will also mess up the next person who tells me that forgiveness is important and how good it is for me.

What do they know? Nobody can tell me to forgive Thabo, for what good reason?

He is just standing there, pathetic as ever. He has no idea what to say to me because even if he tries to speak, I will interrupt him.

"Lesedi please forgive me."

"Why? Why should I forgive you Thabo? Should I forgive you because you are rich now and I can get whatever I want from you? Should I forgive you because you think you are being remorseful? Why should I forgive you?"
What I know is that I can get whatever I want from him even though I have not forgiven him.

My mom walks through the door.

"As for you mom, I am disappointed in you. How can you date this monster again? What I do not understand is why you did not tell me, why did you guys keep it a secret from your kids? You know, if I had a choice, I would be living with uncle Chris, he was a better man compared to my father."

"You don't mean that." My mother says.

"Oh, I do mother and can you guys please leave the room."

I am high okay, I cannot really control how I say things. Plus, I cannot risk them seeing that I am actually high on weed. I do not think my mother knows me well enough to see the difference.

I do not understand why my mother let Thabo get power over her. She just handed him the key to her mind, body and soul. I am guessing heart too.

They leave the room and I throw everything I see to the floor. I am furious. My mother is so gullible and naïve. Damn!

I bet Thabo was like, "Mmampho I still love you." Then my mother just believed it, no questions asked. I mean, he just broke up with Auntie Jessica and my mom just broke up with Uncle Chris. These two moved on too quickly, and she still won't tell us why she left Uncle Chris' house. The last time I checked, they were on a break.

Naledi will probably be happy, she loves her father anyway.
It's like nobody cares about how I feel. I was the one who got traumatized when I was young and nobody seems to care about that.

Everyone in this house is just selfish.

They keep telling me to forgive, to forget and to let the whole thing go. How? It's all a part of me, I honestly cannot let go of the pain without losing something sacred.
Yes the good memories are delightful and get me going but the bad ones? They make me want to curl up under the bed and never come out again but the two go together like two sides of the same coin.