Lone Ranger

Chapter 3: That which does not kill us makes us stronger

Right after broke up with Kay, Im act like I was okay but actually I wasn't. I keep myself busy with work and like nothing happen. I didn't blocked Kay in social media. I doesn't even deleted his number from my phone. I want him to see that his absence mean nothing for me. I'm just living to the fullest uhhmm. I'm pretended that I am happy. My schedule was fill with tons of work. I'm only wake up to think about work and sleeping while I'm doing my work. I know this is the best thing that I can do to forget about him. When I'm not doing anything, i'm going to remember all about the bullshit memories about me and him and I hate it the most. I always pray hard that I can totally forget him but the harder I'm trying to forget the harder I get attached to the old memories. At the end I decided to keep on track with him. He's gonna be the first person that I may stalk on social media everyday and the last thing i'm going to see at the end of my day is our picture together. Remembering him at least ease me and knowing hes doing good make me even happy.

That day, I was standby as an incident commander. Being an incident commander significant with sleepless night and hectic hour. It mean that I have to join in the operation right after fire department received an emergency call. Its much differ and extra task than just being forensic investigation officer (FIO) as usual. FIO only went down to the fire scene right after the operation already been done their job to put out fire. To be simplified, we just went to the scene to investigate the cause of the fire of the fire scene and do some investigation work. My superior even describing that being an incident commander was a nightmare out of the whole month.

 That night, we do received an urgent call from the west unit regarding a fire occurred in one of the school hostels involving around 10 victims. About 8 unit team including emergency unit being summoned to the scene. I'm not feeling good about this and my team rushed to the scene. When I'm arriving at the scene all the team working hard together to put out the fire and we're even lack of manpower. At that point, I could see double storey building on fire and its begin to engulf the whole structure. I even can still heard few voices shouted seek for help from inside the building Few hands waving for help can be seen from the grilled window. It's a totally nightmare out of those years in my career. I can see the operation unit trying out to broke the grill of the window several time but failed due to horrendous fire flare. I immediately wore my breathing gear on my back and mask on my face once I see that the the team that trying to put out fire from the ground floor need a support. Before I was about to join them, I was doing my last check on the function of my gear. The situation is different from the previous training, its been a while I was not involving in the operation since I was placed in the forensic unit.

With all the gear on and pray I was trudged into the darkness, finding my way by tracing a hand along the hoses. We're going up to the stairs to control the fire at the upper storey that still held the victims. Once I'm inside it's just black and I even feel the heat even through my gear. I was getting panicked but I was still able to stabilize my breath based on training I do received previously. The more stairs that we climb the lower the voice of seeking for help from the above and that is the most horrifying things that we want to prevent. We need to save them. Out of sudden, there was an explosion of fire that cause us thrown back. We feel down the stair that we climb upstairs. My heart's pounding hard, and I start breathing quicker, then I look at my gauges, and I'm thinking that : 'If I carry on like this I'm going to run out of air.' Everything feel super hot and im started to get dizzy. I can feel that someone pull my body outside of the scene. Once I'm outside, my collegues take off my mask, I'm carried to the ambulance and nebulized. Once I'm feeling that my breath getting stable, Im standing up and look upside, I can no longer heard screaming for help as well. It's a total silence and I knew we alread failed. Those horrendous fire killed 23 life. The whole nation was rocked by a deadly fire broke out at a religious school in the country. The blaze at the school, claimed the lives of 23 people. Two of them are the school's wardens. The incident has been described as the country's worst fire disaster in 20 years.

I couldn't stop thinking about that day. I felt overwhelming guilt for living while the victims of fire died. The stench of petrol summoned me to the fire scene. The smell of barbeque meat became so evocative of the smell of a decaying corpse that i couldn't eat it and still doesn't. Whenever I summoned to the other fire scene. I'm getting sweating and shivering right after I entered fire scene to do my work. I was a fear but i wasn't. I also didn't have enough sleep due to insomnia.  If I fell asleep, I will haunted by the same nightmare. I always dream that I was trapped in house with a fire flare I could literally feel my skin burning and at the end I was too afraid to fell asleep. I was afraid to say a word to anybody and I thought it just a normal trauma due to that incident until one day while I'm in charge of the scene investigation, I fainted at the scene right after I'm enter the fire scene. The situation where's everything was dark was make me trembling and my sight began to fade away until I loss my conscious. I was diagnosed with a severe post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Only then I realized that my condition is getting worsen by day. I even prescribed with a sleeping pill in order to help me to rest. I let my superior knew pertaining my condition and they were really supportive by assigned me in the laboratory work only instead of going to the fire scene and laboratory analysis previously for the time being until my condition get better. I was very lucky because my coworkers were there for me.

I wanted it to stop. I was done feeling the pain of the flashbacks and reliving the trauma of the fire scene. Being stucked in the labwork make me missed the fire scene. Fire scene was like second home for me. It was where I found my curiosity and excitement work well together. I need to work hard to get back on the track as before. In order to get well as soon as possible, I enrolled for a tailored programme of gym work, swimming and hiking, as well as two hours a day of psychological therapy. The therapist told me that I was holding as a prisoner in my own mind and first major barrier to cross was my own self-stigma. I found out that the nature therapy is the best therapy for me. I was incredibly peace whenever I surround myself in the nature. The singing bird, sound of wave and mourning or waterfall truly ease my soul. Afterall, the silver linings of getting help started to show for me. All of the recovery programme was revived me even though those take time. My willing to get better defeat anything else. My passion for my work help me to cross my own prison and I finally able to went down to the fire scene again. It was a little bit hard at first but I'm able to overcome it well.

Being struggling in love and career conflict at the same time make me even stronger. I was broken into pieces once and I was proud of myself afterall the thing that have been happen. I believed that the most wisest, and well-rounded people are likely those who have been shattered by heartbreak as life creates the greatest humans by breaking them first. This destruction allows me to be fine-tuned and reconstructed into a masterpiece. As for me, it's the painstaking journey of falling apart and coming back together that fills my hearts and minds with a level of compassion, understanding, and deep loving wisdom that can't possibly be acquired any other way. I'm glad that I was I am.