The Goblin's Throne

Chapter Fifty Four: Heart to Heart

I'm not sure what it is about nightfall that makes one feel the weight of their conscience more heavily than they did only hours before. Maybe it's the quiet of night that does it or a trick of a mind too busy to let sleep conquer it. Before Magni, I rarely dwelled on the wrong things I'd done or felt remorse. Even when I did, it was such a minuscule amount that I could ignore it. 

Whatever the cause, I felt it that night, the pressure building on my chest with every sin I remembered committing. I had a long list and the weight of it was only increasing with every breath that I took. Rikard's killing pressed more heavily on me than all the rest. Not what had been done to him, but Cat's reaction to it...to me...to us, like she'd never realized what we were until that moment when she watched the creatures she'd grown up with tear a child to shreds. 

As we'd returned to the brooding chamber that night, carrying our sleepy children, Cat had stormed ahead of us and escaped into her own bedroom, slamming the door behind her so loudly the sound bellowed through the goblin tunnels. Odd stirred from his dozing, growling unhappily against my shoulder. 

Knut's brows pinched together with worry. He went after her and knocked on her door. "Cat, don't be this way. We only did what had to be done."

"You didn't have to kill him! You didn't have to hurt anyone!" She screamed from inside. "Go away! I don't want to talk to you! You're as much a monster as she is!" I felt the sharpness of those hate-filled words slice against my cheek like she'd slashed me with a knife.

Knut blinked at the door. "But I've always been one. Why would I have such sharp teeth and claws if they were not meant to be used? Why are you so surprised?"

"Go away!" She screamed again. Something heavy struck the door, startling Knut back from it. 

"She has your temper if nothing else." Knut's ears drooped ever so slightly. "It was was my idea to make you watch. Not your aunt's. It was meant to teach you a valuable lesson. If you think I killed Rikard just to kill him then you've missed that lesson entirely. This isn't a sparring match. This is war." 

Another heavy thing hit the door in response, rattling it in its frame. "Liar! That witch told you to kill him!" She echoed the blow with a snarl. "I hate you! I hate all of you!" I swallowed hard, pushing back the lump growing in my throat. There was so much truth in those declarations. She'd meant every single syllable. 

"Just leave her be, Knut. She isn't in the mood to listen." I sighed. "We'll try to talk to her again in the morning." 

He turned and looked at me. "It hurts you, doesn't it?" When he asked me that, that very small, simple question, I couldn't help but think that he could see more with one eye than he ever did with two. 

Yes, it hurt me. I cared about her. I wanted good things for her and to give her what her snake of a father never would have, but I couldn't say that I loved her. I don't think that I did. I was too afraid to. However, my time away had put things in perspective for me. I didn't love her now, but I wanted to. I wanted to try to love her, not as a mother, but maybe as an aunt, as kin. I was ready to open myself up ever so slightly and hesitantly to my oldest brother's daughter, I just didn't know if she'd ever open herself up to me...especially once I told her who her father actually was and what I had done with him. 

We were settled into our bed just like the night before with all our children cradled between us. Knut tossed and turned for a while before he finally got to sleep. Meanwhile, I lay there with my eyes closed, exhausted but afraid to let myself relax into sleep. I could already feel the nightmares clawing at my mind, daring me to let them pull me in. Their claws felt distinctly like Lysander's fingers. Eventually, my body lost the fight and the nightmares got their way. They didn't star who I thought they would, but they did not disappoint.