Hi! Wow it's been a while, but hello!
I'm kinda just gonna get to the point here because honestly my head feels like it's gonna blow.
Idk...
This is kind of a weird update because it's not really a rant or a note about anything, and really it's not anything that I think will get a lot of attention, which is fine-but you'll get my point in a second.
But...
Okay, so lately, to really just throw it out on the table as ugly as it feels right now, I just have not been happy with my self. I haven't. I feel disappointed and embarrassed and stupid for a lot of things I've done within the past few days. and not like *choices* like drugs and stuff. But choices in the sense of approaching people and myself?
Either way, I know, few days, maybe a little fast to start assuming, but is it when you feel trapped in your own mind? (Gosh that's a bit dramatic).
What I mean is, I feel so isolated. Like, you know how sometimes when you don't really talk to people for a while and then when you do it's just awkward and you feel uncomfortable and oober self conscious?
Yeah... that how I've felt for probably the past month or so and I keep trying to validate it in some way like "your an introvert, of course you're gonna feel weird around people sometimes", or "it's normal to be awkward sometimes, everyone is at some point", "you're growing as a person right now, things aren't so certain and are bound to feel out of place" etc.
and the problem is, I feel like me cheering myself on like that, you know validating myself for things in the moment and giving me room to breathe SHOULD work. It should bring me peace to at least some extant. And sometimes it does, it truly does. But most of the time it falls flat or short and I lose the grip of that peace and I start to worry. I start worry if I'm suppose to be feeling this way too, if I should just not feel better after trying to work through that as much as I do-that even my best efforts don't pull me past that finish line of "yay I did it, and I see the bright side and I'm all good yayyyyy".
but I don't know. That's just it, I don't know. I'm at a state of ' I don't know' right now. And in a way, and I can feel myself being like this right now but I can also see how maybe I could be looking too far into it, but I feel like since my own validation doesn't seem enough to me right now... I need someone else to help me with that. like since my own word isn't good enough at the moment, I need someone else to do it for me.
I guess, and idk I kind of feel ashamed by this, but It's like that whole 'idea' of someone dressing up all nice because they want to be noticed and told they look nice because they're actually trying for once, but then not getting that feeling of (idk what word could be used) validation, happiness, acceptance, comfort, completion, contentment in someone's words that they're looking for reallyyyyy drags them farther down the self conscious and lesser self worth hole that depression LOVES bringing you too. Thats where I feel like I'm at right now.
And to me, looking for that, the feeling of how much I feel like I NEED that Outside validation, is embarrassing and shameful and just feels selfish to me, especially in this self conscious thinking state.
But is it selfish? Idk, but right now I feel like it is.
But then, you know, instead of dressing nice, its my writing? My comments on people's stories? My posts? My tweets? My content and messages. They just, don't feel enough because I feel like not everyone is seeing it and I'm not getting that much needed/wanted validation that I'm craving and feel like I need in order to move on. And honestly, putting that sentence into words and actually saying that.... in order for me to feel good about myself I need someone else to validate what I said, like commenting an OPINION on THEIR story, really disgusts me. It's not anyone's responsibility but somehow my own to actually take that on. And it makes me really disgusted In myself for actually feeling this way.
And then, when I do comment on these stories, and the thoughts of "oh are they gonna comment back?" "Are they going to agree with me?" "Am I wrong?" "Are they going to point something out that TOTALLY like actually makes sense and makes my comment look like uneducated garbage?" Plague my mind and then I start checking myself like "wow this is ridiculous, don't worry about what other people have to say rn, you're expressing a OPINION.", but then when I think like that, I just tend to comment more and more and then I over think each comment and I then start thinking I'm commenting A LOT and probably annoying the author.
And then starts the cycle almost over again because here I am, being this awkward annoying person probably spewing out total garbage that doesn't make sense and probably comes out as offensive in some way that I can't explain because I'm too focused on how annoying I probably am, but also most likely actually not, coming off.
Y'all, this is so much to write.
Honestly, the one thing that does actually make sense in all of this (and the whole comments thing was just an example that seemed fitting enough to get my whole thought process across. like the same thing happens in real life interactions as well, like I get into that self-hating cycle, self-deprecating, self conscious cycle all. the. flipping. time ). But! Like what I was saying, the only thing that actually makes sense in all of this and I actually CAN validate to myself is... it makes total sense why in tired all the time. I mean, you have the depression, sure, and you have the fact I can't take my meds consistently, yep, but also to add on this whole visions cycle of "validation" to it and the mess within it???? Of course I'm fucking tired all the time. My mind is burning calories 24/7!!!!
Lol
Honestly guys, whoever is actually reading this, and if this ever gets published, I just feel lonely. And it's not anyone's obligation who DOES read this to make me feel better and try and make me feel un-lonely, I know that. I recognize that and I hope who is reading this does too. It's just something I'm venting about right now because I had to get it out, since it's so heavy,
and... I know there are people on this site that I trust and love and would like maybe some advice or cheering up from or words for thought, or opinions on what they think I should look into or do. So, I think I might post this just cuz... idk to be short, I need help??
And I am seeing a therapist and it's all good and stuff with her and I'm trying hard to be consistent with my meds. So it's not like I'm totally ACTUALLY stuck, it's just the feeling of being stuck and that feeling really sucks.
And you know what also doesn't help? The fact I live in a conservative house and I'm finally embracing the fact that is my sexuality. And that discomfort doesn't help. Neither does a statistics class and 2 finals. Oof.
(I like the word oof, it's like yikes but two o's and an f... I know, I'm weird) but could someone maybe make me feel okay that I'm weird?? I don't know : / (I'm kinda being poetic here lol).
anyways, I should sleep, because sleep helps this shit too.
Hopefully this is makes sense and doesn't get read but also maybe does get read? Whatever, I'm gonna stop now.
Night :)
