A couple words of wisdom from 3am me:
I was feeling a bit inspired not too long ago and it was the best kind of inspired you can be. You can be inspired by art or other people, maybe something in culture. But this time, I was inspired by my own self and it really honestly just hit home, like really hard. Well, for the past I dunno a while, I've been feeling a bit distant with not only other people, but also myself. Which, I find and in the process of which brought me to this home hitter, interesting because I have just recently been trying to "find myself". I won't go into detail, but I was tasked with embracing myself and allowing myself to essentially free my personality and becoming the person I am instead of the person others expect me to be. Now, others being a specific group of people, and yes, I am aware that definition was a little vague and kinda normal for a 20 year old to feel and think. But for my situation, and I think all situations are like this, it was different because of context.
Anyways, I found this feeling I've been having to be odd and slightly "wrong" because I'm suppose to be channeling my inner Elsa and letting it all go. So why am I feeling so distant? So introverted? So lonely? Lost? I was thinking, 'well, maybe you're a natural introvert, that's okay!' And it is. Everyone's made the way they are, but the difference is feeling comfortable about it and being happy. And I'm not/wasn't. Things just haven't been making sense in my life. From me, to my job, to the current state of our country/planet/humanity. My beliefs and reasons behind them. Nothing seems to click. Everything in my mind sometimes literally feels like a wound up ball of yarn. And the feeling of not having things make sense and click, really draws on you're person, I've learned. And the thing that inspired me that I found on my own, standing in my room awkwardly because I forgot what I had just walked in there for, was the saying "life is not linear". And I was like, 'oh shit, you're right, it's not.' and I had my moment of woahhh that's deep. But then it started to sink in some more. I mean really just absorb in my being and my bones and nerves and just into everything that feels. And I really considered it. And a tiny little desk lamp turned on in that ball of yarn in my brain and spread through out my body. For once, something simple and seemingly insignificant, made sense to me. Now, in the big and broad picture, yes life isn't linear. Everyone's got their "ups and downs" but there's "always a light at the end of the tunnel". However, microscopically, I think it's huge. Life's not linear; meaning, you are a fluctuating living being minute by minute, day by day, month by month, week by week, and thirty minutes by thirty minutes. And you really can't say that fluctuating like such in such situational ways is normal, I mean you can call it "average", because everyone does struggle, but you can't really call the effects of trauma and immense happiness normal when it comes to an individual person in such unique and different ways, with reactions and next steps taken differently, with different appreciation levels. Essentially, you can't call everyone unique and say that just makes everyone the same, because we're all unique. I mean you can, but does it really make sense? Life isn't linear. 'LIFE' being your behavior, mental health, situation, beliefs, feelings. And "ISN'T LINEAR" being the fluctuations you endure in your "life" over you're entire existence. And for me, in this moment, it's all of those. Maybe that's "normal" for 20 year olds to go through. Honestly, it really is. But like I've been drilling in this whole entire message, you can't treat every situation the same. I'm along the lines of invalidation here. Like the idea of "Well I have it worse/they have it worse" is so toxic? And I'm not talking about privilege or current political and humanitarian crises right now. I'm talking about just the pure rot you get in your stomach when someone tells you you're over reacting or that "you're just going through that phase". I mean, do people who say that actually realize how UNCOMFORTING that actually is? To be put among the normal that either passes or fails this "test in life"?
Okay, rant over, but life is not linear. But you know what the worse yet affirming thing about all of this is? It's the fact that even though you are reminded that life isn't linear, that what you're going through will pass and your life will just run its course; when you are down and facing hardship, too swallowed up in the low you're in, you'll forget that life isn't linear and you'll feel lost again. Why it is that we forget the wise truths we reach, no one may ever know. Just that it's life to forget and go through goods and bads and long stretches of both. But today, I want to remind whoever is reading this, that life isn't linear. There is no set way or straight line or direct path that you're suppose to live by, although that is what is fed to us via society (oof gotta love that bitch). But there's not. One example that has been another just in awe and eye opening realization is; females can give birth. But that does not mean they have to live the sketched out timeline/life of motherhood/parenthood. Just because I can give birth, does not mean it has to be on my 'bucket list for life' (ahem, thank you for coming to my ted talk). And that's just one example that I've realized with the idea that life just is not linear, it's just not. It's not "meant to be" planned out age by age.
So, I know this is really deep and pretty heavy stuff that honestly might be better understood when you're overtired. But, I really hope you reach and achieve the ever so soft yet comforting reminder when you are feeling lost that "life is not linear" and be able to lean and hold onto that sense of clarity enough to pull yourself past the tough parts. Life most definitely is not easy. Existing is not easy. But we are just a bunch of big messes in the messiest planet in the universe, and understanding and validating that to be a mess in a non linear world is okay, is actually extremely important.
You got this.
(Also, Nikita Gill is fucking amazing)
