Vicious | ongoing

chapter six

C H A P T E R
S I X

The following few days, I made myself scarce.

I could hardly meet anyone's eye, and I was sure Josiah was becoming suspicious.

I'd let myself be finger fucked by his arch enemy. And Cecilia's soon to be fiancé. I felt disgusted with myself, with my desperation, with my lack of any self-fucking-control. I was disgusting.

"You alright?" He'd asked me at dinner when I hadn't touched my food. I could feel Demetrius' eyes on my face and it put me off my food a little bit.

I'd jumped at him asking me directly. He looked at me oddly, going to place a hand over mine before I discreetly slipped it from the table to my lap. 

"Yes," I said, mustering a smile onto my face. I hoped it didn't look as fake as it felt. "Just not hungry. I probably just need some air."

He went to get up with me. "Do you want me to join you?"

"No!" I let out, and then after realising how awful that sounded, I amended my words. "No, no, you stay with the... guest." I chanced a look at Demetrius, finding his eyes on mine— not that it had been much of a surprise, his eyes were practically searing my skin for most of dinner. "I'll be just a moment."

He looked worried, which just made my heart hurt more. I didn't give the visiting King the satisfaction of looking over at him again, instead keeping my gaze strong and focused right up until I was out of the door.

I followed the path I'd known since childhood, through the hall and down the steps into the outdoors. It was fairly dark, the sun having just set, but I would know my way through the gardens with my eyes closed anyway.

I sat on the stone bench, holding my head in my hands. No going back, I thought to myself, regret spawning in my heart. I knew I had to tell them; it was the right thing to do. But it was becoming less and less appealing.

I thought over Demetrius words the night before, about him not having yet agreed on marriage with Cecilia. That's not the point, I chided myself as I found myself using the point to try and ease my guilt. I knew I didn't deserve that. Cecilia had set her heart on Demetrius, King of Mazji, and I had knowingly betrayed her by being even more than an acquaintance with him. I felt like crying, but I knew I didn't deserve to feel sorry for myself either. I put myself in this position.

"Asteri me," his voice said as he came to sit beside me, hand on my lower back drawing circles. "What's the matter?"

"Don't," I breathed. "Please just don't." He repeated his question. "I've betrayed my two best friends," I told him, like he didn't already know. "I'm a horrible person."

I knew he didn't have any allegiance to either of them, and yet his casualness, his ability to seem so uncaring, astounded me.

"You're not a horrible person," he said.

"It wasn't a question," I countered, looking to the statue of the girl shrouded in branches. "And how would you know anyway? I met you a few days ago."

"I can read people well," he told me, dropping his hand from my back. "And you are not a bad person, I could tell that in a few minutes, never mind a few days."