I don't know why I don't feel anything. I feel numb. All the emotions I'm supposed to be feeling are not there. Occasionally they will come back, but I can't control them like I used to. I will feel like suddenly crying or be irritated for no reason. But for the majority of the time, they do not come back.
I feel like I can feel the words and actions of others attempting to be stabbed into me like swords, but my body is too strong, it will not let these things enter me to dissolve so I can feel them.
I don't know why. I really don't. I just don't want to bother anyone. I feel bad when I can't continue to put on a show as if I'm normal and feeling because it causes people to notice and worry. Or it may irritate them.
I wish I could just continue smiling, but these days it's much harder. My body is growing tired and I don't know how much longer it can keep doing this.
But even when I do not feel emotions, I cry. Why am I crying if I'm not feeling anything? What are the reasons for these tears? I would like to know. But I still have no answer.
I find it funny how so many people label me as "nice" or a "good person" because I can see all my faults. I could pick out every single flaw nonstop. I know that this is not a good practice, but for some reason I cannot help it.
I try to be satisfied with my appearance and the way I look, but it's quite difficult. Some days I feel like not eating anything and I don't know what to do. I just don't want to feel this way. What makes me sad is that I feel more fulfilled and at peace when I'm not eating. Eating gives me anxiety. I know that I should be eating and I need to, but for some reason there is something telling me I shouldn't.
I have gotten much better about my personality, but I feel that I'm not as good of a person as people think I am. I always feel like I can be better and I meet people every day who make me feel like I can be better. This does not make me feel insecure or sad, but it does motivate me which is probably the positive part.
The thing I hate the most right now is how useless I feel. I can't do anything to benefit anyone. I try to console my significant other so he feels better and he usually does feel better later, but if I was present with him, I could do so much more. Sometimes I feel that he would be happier not having met me. I can't do anything for him. I'm useless.
