The feeling is back, the one where I just feel like crying all the time. I don't know why and I don't know how to stop it.
I don't want to tell my significant other because I know he will worry about me and that makes me feel even worse. I don't want him to ever feel sad. Especially because of me.
I feel lifeless, like I'm a walking corpse. My chest feels heavy like my heart is being held down with an anchor.
My mind is going back to the dark place I always try to avoid. Why am I like this?
Other negative thoughts enter my mind. Why am I not skinny enough? Why am I not pretty enough? Why am I so annoying? Why can't I be perfect?
What makes me think I'm deserving and capable of love? He could do so much better, but I can't let him go. I'm so selfish. He doesn't see how worthless I am. Part of me wishes he never will, but also another part of me wishes he does, so he can realize it and leave. He doesn't deserve to go through depression and miss me on top of that. I can't even be there for him when he is having a hard time. I can talk to him, but I can't physically be there with him. There's nothing more frustrating than not being able to comfort someone you care about so much.
I love him so much. I really do. I can't even tell him properly. I try to, but it never comes out right. I don't even know why he loves me.
My legs are too thick, my waist isn't as slim as I want it to be, my arms aren't slim enough, my face isn't slim enough. My face isn't beautiful enough.
It really makes me feel like I used to. This feeling. The feeling that I'm not worthy. The feeling where I feel like I shouldn't eat. The feeling where I feel the most content with myself when I am starving. I almost feel accomplished when I do. It's terrible, I know. But the voice tells me that I can't eat, and I shouldn't eat. I ignore the voice of course, but some days, it's stronger. And I can't block it out.
I want to know how to make the feeling stop.
