I've been depressed for a while now. I've always felt this way. From as young as I can remember. I would watch other kids laughing and playing and mimic their behavior because that's how I'm supposed to act. I need to be energetic, friendly, and happy to be normal like everyone else.
I really hate myself right now. I keep thinking of dark thoughts. "What am I living for? What if I just fell into the sea? What if I fell into the street and got hit by that car?" I know I shouldn't be thinking that. I don't want to fall into that mindset again because I know how hard it is to get out of it.
I can't feel anything anymore. I do have moments where I'm happy, but they get less and less. I feel lost and empty. I just want to stop. I want to leave.
I'm always insecure. My partner always tells me how much he loves me and cares, but I always feel like it's not true. He tries his best, but I feel like it doesn't get through to me. It's hard for me to feel in love right now. I always feel extremely insecure when he talks about his friend who happens to be a girl. It's not even jealously at this point. I feel like giving up. He talks about her quite a bit. And every time he does, I feel less and less significant. I don't want to tell him because I don't want to act like that. I don't want to stress him out or do anything that will cause him trouble. So I just become emotionless. I stop reacting and I stop talking. Sometimes he notices, sometimes he doesn't. And at that point, I don't care if he does. I just want to be alone.
I keep thinking about how he seems so excited and happy to talk to her. Maybe she could make him happier. I'm depressed all the time and I don't even know how to get better anymore. I feel like I'm dragging him down. I don't want to do anything that'll hurt him.
This has been happening for a while, but he interrupts me a lot when I'm talking. For example, pointing things out or changing the subject quickly to something he notices or wants to talk about. At first, it didn't bother me, and I just continued on, but now when he does it, I feel like staying silent. I just let him speak and don't feel like talking about anything anymore.
I also feel that he doesn't look at me that much anymore. He still does a lot, but I feel like it's not the same. I don't know if he's in love with me. He shows that he cares through actions, but for some reason I feel that they are empty. It could be me overthinking and projecting my feelings on his actions, but I can't think that anything is genuine anymore. Is he forcing himself to act this way? Is he scared of our relationship falling apart, so he is trying to accommodate even though he doesn't feel in love either? He wants this relationship to work, so even though he doesn't really love me anymore, he tries to compensate... or at least that's what I feel. I'm not sure if that's my depression and anxiety speaking or what. At this point, I can't even tell the difference.
I also hate that I can't stop thinking about the things that have happened to me. I know they said it's going to take time because it was a traumatic experience, but I just want to feel better. I don't want to keep feeling worthless and dirty. I want to feel normal again.
I want to stop feeling this way.
