The REAL Homestuck Epilogues

Meat (1)

Meat was definitely the right choice, you think, as you carefully nibble on a piece of jerky. It's savory, it's sweet, it's everything you could've ever wanted in a picnic snack. You look up to be greeted with the sight of two of your good friends, Roxy Lalonde and Calliope the cherub. Just taking a glance at Roxy makes your heart skip a beat; you used to have a huge crush on her, and maybe, it still hasn't left yet. 

    > Contemplate Roxy as a "she"

Can you even call Roxy a "she" anymore? You mean, it's pretty obvious that you can't, but you'll let Roxy come out on her own time. (Them, you mean. Them.) Besides, being immortal gods means that you two literally have all the time in the world. 

Which also means that you two have time to relax and enjoy a nice picnic. 

Getting out of the house was a good idea. Just thinking about it makes you cringe, but not out of general cringe factors such as that obscure Fortnite game, but out of disappointment. Your house is a mess. Would your dad have wanted this? For his beloved house to be reduced to such scrutiny? 

    > Think, suddenly, about the many horrible crimes committed by Lord English.

Gog, that guy is the worst. Good thing he's locked behind the mechanics of the game forever, right? Stuck in canon. At least, you think that's what happened, but it's too much of a brain-fuck to stay stuck on the subject forever. An alternate version of you will probably go to deal with it (and probably die, too, but that's not your problem). Back to the house.

    > You know what you must do.

JOHN: i know what i must do.

Of course you know what you must do. Who else would be capable of doing it? Probably all of your friends, but it's not their job to do so. You're going to clean out the house... and you're going to do it by yourself.

JOHN: i have to clean out my house.
ROXY: u sure? 
JOHN: i think so. it will probably be hard. but i think it's the right thing to do.
JOHN: my dad would be counting on me.
ROXY: john, bro, your house is liek, full of your dads junk.
ROXY: *like
ROXY: are u gonna be ok to do it?

Roxy's face reads of concern. You can tell because she's biting her lip and tapping her fingers like she always does whenever she's nervous. Calliope, on the other hand... she's a semi-permanently grinning skull. Frowning takes ages for her to do unless she's enraged. 

JOHN: i have to do this.
ROXY: i understand. if you need us, jsut give us a call, ok?
ROXY: *just

You nod while a slight smile breaks over your lips. A pleasant breeze rolls down from the hills. In the distance, the bell tower chimes twice. You notice that a group of carapacians have stopped to stare at you with beady-eyed fascination. You raise an awkward hand and wave to them. One of them looks around before waving back and smiling, another doffing their hat over and over again in a flurry of a manner. Christ, why do they always do that? The poor thing is going to get a rug burn.

JOHN: so... is that it?
JOHN: should i, uh... get going?
CALLIOPE: if yoU feel like this is what yoU shoUld do, then yes, go on!
CALLIOPE: are yoU sUre that yoU don't want to wait a little while longer though?
JOHN: no... i'm sure.

Seemingly reluctant, Calliope stands up and picks up the picnic basket. Roxy follows, taking Calliope's hand in hers.

    > Say goodbye. 

JOHN: ok, then.
JOHN: thanks for inviting me to this picnic, i appreciate it.
JOHN: see you two later.

You attempt to smile again, standing up yourself, seeing as how everyone has decided the picnic needs to come to an end. The three of you stare awkwardly at one another for a little bit longer than what would be considered even close to "moderately comfortable."

    > Hug them, you dummy!

You hesitate a few awkward moments too long. When you go to hug them, they've already turned away, leaving you to babble like the Zoosmell Pooplord you are. 

JOHN: uh- ah-
ROXY: hm?

Lalonde turns around to look at you again, her mouth turning into a round, silent "Oh!" when she sees your rather embarrassing predicament. 

ROXY: oh! sorri john-
ROXY: *sorry

You feel the arms of a human girl and a somewhat-genderless cherub envelope around your twinky torso, providing you with warmth and a bit of mental strength as well. It's so heartwarming that a few of the carapacians actually start to cry, leaving a lump in your own throat, too. You hug them back tightly, trying to choke down your tears, but happy nonetheless. 

After a very warm, heartfelt moment, Roxy departs into the sky after retaking Calliope's hand. Now, with the Carapacians gone as well, you're truly alone.

You drop your arms and sigh. Time to get on with it.

You fly back home and take a look around Salamander Village. You breathe in the clean, crisp air, listen to the pipes chime, soak up the unfiltered sunlight. You then head inside for a change of clothes. If you're going to get to work on this filthy hoard, you might as well not get your awesome god-pajamas filthy too. 

You go to your desk and dig out some stationary. 

    > Write: "dear dad,"

You've never written a note so slowly, or with such heaviness of heart and mind. 

"dear dad, 

i am so proud of you. 

i have my own kid now, and she's a handful, even if she is just a salamander.

i never knew how hard it was for you to be a single parent, and i never appreciated you enough to try and find out.

so... i guess what i'm saying is...

i'm sorry. 

and thanks. 

for everything.

i love you.

- john"

After that, you exit the house to drop your note off in a mailbox. Any mailbox. The wind will carry it to where it needs to go. 

Now that that's taken care of... it's time for you to get started on the real task.

Cleaning out your house. And your memories.

It's time for you to accept the truth, John.