VALOR

> i'm not what you need, but what i need is this tree

there is a plant inside of me, presumably an apple tree. it hasn't grown a bit in the past year, knowing if a single leaf sprouts, rot with swallow any life form in me. to save itself, it shuts down; it closes itself off from the rest of my system and i am forced to cling to other forms of life inside. sometimes, if i listen really closely, if the world around me is still, i can hear the fibers of the bark and the fruit and the leaves talking. they are asking each other if it is alright. if it is alright to give this person what i need. i sit and listen to the apple tree inside me as it questions whether or not i am capable of tending to another person. the tree answers itself without having spent half a second of thought. i did not even weigh the pros or cons. before i could open my mouth to talk to myself, not the tree, the tree whispered. it sounded cold, and hard, and ready to weep. it said "you don't know what it feels like to have a home inside someone else. you don't have what it takes to build one either. this is something you will never pull through. you will never ever feel the loneliness and disappointment wash away from you. you will never ever feel lighter at your shoulders. and my roots inside of you will only wither if you cry." a sudden rush of thoughts, i am overwhelmed at the sense of truth in its words. each apple slowly rots and falls to the floor of my stomach. the material i was given at the beginning of my life was meant to give me a head start. but all that happened was the growth of an apple tree. i wish i could yank it out and stick it in the ground of my backyard, ready to see me in the afternoon and protect me from the sun. but what i wish and what the truth really is are so far apart that i am left just barely kissing the bark of the tree inside me, when really i should have eaten my way out by now. but i have to make it happy. for one day, i want to cut it down to get some wood, so i can finally build that home inside of someone i might love.

r.k.