Charlie and the Deed to Everything Bad : irwin ✓ [EDITING]

eight: the right thing.

THE RIGHT THING

LOOK UP AND SEE INFINITY,
LOOK DOWN AND SEE NOTHING

"I AM NOT TELLING HIM,"
I refuse to tell ashton. there was no way I was letting him find out! there's no way I'll be the reason that his life goes to shit. "guys - I can't tell him."

when maizy broke the news, my legs gave out and I literally fell to the floor in shock. No tears, no breath shortage. My throat dried up and I forgot to blink for a minute. everything around me seemed to feel fake; like being in a virtual world. my sense of being able to hear went out and my eyes went blurry, I couldn't speak, I couldn't do anything. Pure utter shock.

mike, maizy and I were arguing over why I won't tell ashton. they are telling me I'm selfish. Maybe I am selfish. This is my choice! just in time for over-sized sweaters and sweatpants season, too.
though he or she would be born in the spring-summer time, it gives me some time to figure out how I'll actually hide this from ashton.

"you're making a mistake, char!" michael was speaking very strongly about this. it's not like I didn't care about the input that he put in, but I just cannot tell ashton.

after they left me alone to delve into my depressing and haunting thoughts, I remembered a memory of my brother and I from when we were younger:

***

"hey, Charlene! come check this out." running over to carmon in my bright pink sundress in the may air, I was excited to see what he had to show me.

I always looked up to cam. being that he was the only person who believed in me. who was nice to me. who saw me for who I was. we were only two years apart.

"ew, cam! What is that?" i remember my six year old self yelling at the sight of the animal he was holding in his hands.

"It's a lizard! It's dead, though. something happened to it. I think he must've been really old and lived a good life! What do you think, Charlene?" as an eight year old, cam always spoke with such maturity, kindness and hope.

"What you said, I guess. so he's just like grandpa?" remembering back, our grandpa had died just a month prier to this event between cam and I.

he nodded, "yeah, char, just like grandpa. You know, Charlene, we should bury him. Just like grandpa." at that, we hosted a funeral for the lizard. we had named him Tyler. a human name so we felt more connected to him.

the burial went down in our backyard. we got changed into black clothes and took flowers out of our mothers garden. we said was we loved about our lizard friend, Tyler.

I said that I loved his color green. how he made me like the color green. cam said that he was proud of the lizard in whatever life he lived. he was always so much older than he actually was - cam, that is. he was gone far too soon.

I started crying when we covered him with the last of the dirt and the red flowers that we placed above the patch of ground we had Tyler under. cam took me into his arms and held me into a tight, warm hug and said something to me that I've held onto forever.

"if you're ever sad, char, please tell me. I don't wanna see you cry ever. I love you."

"I love you, too."

***

I walked down to the living room. we had placed a picture of cam on the mantel; his last school picture before he died. I hate lying about carmon and where he actually is. I told everyone he's in the army, but he's dead. he died when he was seventeen.

I sat in the middle of the couch, facing directly at his picture. he would've been the perfect person for this situation. He always knew what to say. no matter what the issue was. he could always help.

he was my best friend, the only person I could count on. It was like that since the earliest memory I had of him. we were inseparable, honestly.

"hey, cam." i was speaking to a picture, have I lost my mind? is this what I've come to? "you're probably screaming at me from heaven."

I knew he was probably cursing me out. Charlene Louise Parker! How could you do this? You can't handle this? What the fuck were you thinking?
      but I knew he would also add onto that with something sweet. something to make me feel a bit better about the situation. you'll get through this! you're strong, charlie. You're my little sister and I raised you to not be afraid of what life gives you - remember that. I love you.

"Cammy, I'm pregnant. You definitely know by now, because honestly we know you watch over me like a hawk. I just don't know what to do, man. I have a life growing inside of me." my hands automatically went to where the baby would be. I rubbed my thumbs over my clothed skin.

"ashton would freak out. I mean, freak! he can't even handle not finishing one homework assignment; that sets him into a mode where he shuts down completely. A child? c'mon, he'd have a heart attack."

or maybe you're just too afraid to face reality, charlie. telling him would make it a million times more real, and you don't want it to be a million times more real. you want it to be as unrealistic as possible until it's literally popping out of you. even then you won't process the fact that this is really what's happening.

charlie, you are a brave woman, but right now you are cowering in the corner like a fucking child. grow up and get your shit together. this isn't just Ashton's fault, it's yours too. don't just say he's not ready to be a dad, maybe you aren't ready to be a mom. scratch the maybe: you just aren't ready to be a mom ever.

get off your high horse, little sis. let that kid grow up right. either tell ashton or don't, I can't make that decision for you. just make sure you know what you're doing when the time comes.

I heard cam's whole speech in my head. I have to tell ashton, don't I? It's only the right thing to do. fuck, I'm terrified.

***

iMessage to: ashton.
hey, we gotta talk.

iMessage from: ashton.
okay! want me to
come over?

iMessage to ashton.
yeah, that works.
see you in a few.

***

god, was
he in for
a treat.

____
sorry for the
sucky chapter.
y'all get to learn
more about
char's brother
though so yay?
- jade

[UNEDITED]