the decade of longing [ jedean / gawong ]

four.

14 hours earlier : 6AM

As soon as nagising si Deanna, she called Bea para yayain ng morning jog. She needed someone to talk to about sa biglaang pagbalik ni Jema.

Since gising na rin si Bea and she also usually goes out for a morning jog, they agreed to meet at the oval at 7AM.

When they got there, habang nagsestretch sila, sinimulan na ni Bea yung conversation.

Bea: So what's this about, Wong? Mukhang you're bothered about something ah.

Bumuntong hininga si Deanna.

Deanna: Yeah. It's about... her.

Napataas naman ang kilay ni Bea because of curiosity.

Bea: Her... as in...?

Deanna: Her. Jema.

Bea: What about her? Akala ko ba nasa states siya?

Deanna: That's the problem. Umuwi na siya.

Bea: What?!

Halos tumingin yung mga tao sa paligid nila nung napasigaw si Bea kaya binato siya ni Deanna ng towel to remind her to keep quiet.

Bea: Since when?!

Pabulong na sigaw ni Bea.

Deanna: Since last night. She took a flight home para makajoin siya sa celebration ng championship ko.

Bea: Wow...

They remained quiet for a while. Nagulat din kasi si Bea sa narinig niya.

When Bea regained her composure, saka na siya nagtanong ulit.

Bea: Kamusta ka naman?

Deanna took a while before siya sumagot. Tinali niya muna yung shoes siya ng maayos kasi magsisimula na sila magjog.

Deanna: Pretending that everything's normal and okay with me. Like when sinabi sakin ni mama na sa condo ko magstay si Jema, ayun go lang ako.

Nagulat ulit si Bea. They started jogging na.

Bea: She's staying sa condo mo?! What a very convenient situation ha.

Deanna: I know right?

Bea: Pero seriously speaking, Deanns. How do you feel?

Deanna: .....I don't know.

Bea: Okay, let's get to the point. May feelings ka pa ba sakanya?

Deanna stopped jogging and catched her breath. Medyo mabilis pala takbo nila, hindi lang nila nanonotice kasi busy sila mag-usap.

Deanna: I don't know, Bea. I don't want that thought ruining my time with her. 2 months lang siya dito. Ilang years ako nagmakaawa sakanyang umuwi, ngayong umuwi na talaga siya, ayoko sirain buong buhay na pagkakaibigan namin dahil lang sa nafefeel ko.

Bea: Isn't that the same reason bakit hindi ka umamin sakanya noon before siya umalis? Kasi ayaw mo masira friendship niyo?

Tumango naman si Deanna habang hinihingal. Maya maya, sinimulan ulit nila magjogging pero this time mas mabagal na.

Bea: Hanggang kailan ka magsesettle sa ganyan na thought, Deanns? Laging ayaw mo masira friendship niyo. Sinubukan mo nga magmove on for 7 years after ka nagstop magmakaawa sakanya umuwi. 7 freaking years, Deanns, pero wala kang napala. Partida sa 7 years na yun, she was at the other side of the planet. Isn't that enough para alam mo sa sarili mo na you have to try a different angle? Like for example, taking a risk?

Deanna: And then what, Bea? I will lose her? It's obvious naman ever since na wala akong pag-asa sakanya. She's straight as a ruler.

Bea: So ano? Magpapakamartyr ka habang buhay? Don't give me the you're gonna try dating others crap. Tinry mo na yan and nothing worked out. It will always be Jema. Alam mo yan sa sarili mo, Deanna. Stop being so indenial. Mas lalo kang nagmumukhang tanga.

Nanahimik na lang si Deanna. She didn't know what to do nor what to feel. Kahit na she wanted to contradict Bea with the most stupid rebuttal she could think of para lang majustify niya sarili niya, she knows na tama si Bea.

It will always be Jema. Always.

Bea: Here's a thought, Deanns. How about try to figure out what you really feel ulit. Try to see if it's still concrete. If it's still the same, which I bet it still is,  then sabihin mo sa'kin if I'm right about you still being the most tanga person I know.

Deanna just nodded. Natapos na sila magjogging. Chineck niya orasan niya and it was almost 9AM kaya nagpaalam na siya na she needed to go home.

-

Present

Kakagising lang ni Jema. Tumingin siya sa bedside table niya to grab sana her phone when nagulat siya kasi may nakalatag na tray with breakfast.

She sat up and tinignan yung pancakes, egg and bacon, and coffee sa tray. Meron pang sunflower sa tabi nito.

She then saw a note na nakadikit sa mug kaya binasa niya ito.

Good morning, Jema. Breakfast for you. I have an early meeting with an endorser and I didn't wake you up kasi it's too early and I wanted you to sleep more.

I'm so sorry about how I acted last night. Let me make it up to you. After eating, dress up ka na and let's go out for lunch. ;) -D

Napangiti naman si Jema. She remembered last night and how walang wala sa mood si Deanna.

She even asked Ponggay kung napano ito nung lumabas siya pero nagkibit balikat lang si Ponggay.

Nung nakita niyang bumalik sila ni Bea sa loob, she tried talking to her pero ang tipid lang nito sumagot.

Nagulat rin siya na nagsosmoke pala si Deanna. She wanted to be mad kasi cigarettes are unhealthy pero she figured na she didn't have the right to tell Deanna what's right and wrong anymore.

She lost that right when she left her a decade ago.

The whole drive home nila, sobrang tahimik lang sa car. And pagdating nila sa condo, dumiretso na si Deanna sa kwarto niya kaya she didn't have to chance to talk to her anymore.

Jema decided to give her space kaya natulog na lang din siya.

Seemingly na mukhang nasa mood na ulit si Deanna at nagsorry pa ito sa kagabi, Jema felt relieved and happy.

Kinain niya na yung pinrepare na breakfast ni Deanna and she really found it delicious. Masarap pa rin pala talaga magluto si Deanna, she thought. Mas masarap pa nga ata dahil sa dati.

Napaisip tuloy siya kung may nilulutuan ba kaya si Deanna dati nung wala siya. And the thought of it somehow made her feel a pinch of pain sa puso niya but she shrugged it off.

"What am I even thinking?" Jema thought.

***