"How have you been feeling since our last session?" Mel asked. I bounced my foot on the floorboards.
"A lot has happened." I stated, unsure where to start. "I was given the opportunity to perform in a new ballet show, under the name of an elite. But at practice, I noticed I was a lot bigger that the other girls." I thought back to the night. Looking down to my thick thighs and curves, I wondered if I would be considered attractive anymore. Did anyone ever see anything in me?
"I'm sorry to hear this. Have you told anyone else you were given this opportunity?" I'd started to notice that the expression I was met with after speaking to her had always been glum, of empathy. Had my life really been that depressing?
"I tweeted about it, and a few people congratulated me, but the only one I care about it Frank's. He said he was proud of me. He's never told me that before."
Although Mel maintained her expression, I know she was judging my comments about George. I understood why she had the reaction she'd had, because it was insane I still had feelings for him.
"And, although this is something you're proud of, is there a chance you could put it off until your mental health improves? I am slightly concerned about the people you're around putting an impression on you, and upsetting you. We're really trying to improve your mental health, and right now, especially during the first few sessions, where we are talking about some deep things and bringing back some really hurtful memories, I'm not sure these types of comments directed toward you are going to aid your recovery."
"I couldn't even if I wanted to. The amount of money I'm getting from this is worth it, and the publicity. I can picture having this on my resume. I've always wanted to dance professionally, not just on the side. If I stop now, I wouldn't be able to maintain this career I've built for myself."
She nodded understandingly. Sighing, my eyes traced around the room once more. I could probably answer specific questions about the layout of the room, the amount of books on the desk or buttons on Mel's dress. Simply because looking her in the face had been a bit too much for me. I decided looking in major detail at the rest of the room was more appropriate, apparently.
"I'd also like to touch on your comments about Frank. You said he was proud of you, and you took notice of this. Can you tell me a bit about how it made you feel?"
"It made me happy. I felt like he was finally appreciating me." Thinking of him made my stomach churn as if I was on a theme park ride. It was a good feeling - a hint of fear but mostly fun. The way his brown eyes glanced over me, and how I felt like a different person in his company.
"I'm really glad it made you happy. Just don't forget that the way you feel shouldn't rely on his opinion of you. Try not to base how you view yourself on him."
I nodded, sighing. "I saw him again last night." I'd been reluctant to let this piece of information out, but I knew that I had to be open.
"Okay," She began abruptly. "How was that?"
"It was... nice." I paused, thinking back to him cooking, and joking. "He came over because he was upset, his mom moved back to Japan." She raised an eyebrow, clearly thinking of him. "And we spoke about that, a bit. I also told him I call him Frank to you; I didn't know you knew I was talking about him. Obviously he's called George - well, legally Joji, but still."
Mel smiled. "I'm glad you felt able to talk about therapy with him. And yes, I was his therapist for a while." She replied.
"He cooked dumplings for the two of us. It was so lovely. Like, back when we were together, I would make them for him all the time."
"Although it is upsetting, you have to get your head around that you and him aren't in a relationship anymore. Getting back into the mindset of needing the approval will only cause more long term damage." She kept a straight face, though behind her eyes I think she may have felt a little sorry for saying that to me.
"I understand. I think-" I pause, and reiterate what I was about to say. "I think I've been conditioned to search for his approval in everything I do. After he left, I didn't feel much about myself. I wasn't overly excited or proud of my dance. When I'd gotten the phone call, I was happy, but I also felt this hollowness. But, as soon as he texted me, I felt truly happy."
"Can I just say, it's really great you can decipher your thoughts this way, and really come to pick out your on actual thoughts from your instinct. You're still socially developing now, you're only twenty-three. I'd like to ask about other friends. You said you'd received messages from people other than Frank, who else are you close with."
"Not many people. The only people I speak with regularly are Jane, a girl from dance, and mine and Frank's- I mean, George's mutual friends."
"It's difficult when you share a friend group, as even if you'd want to separate, there are still situations where you'll hear about Frank's life, and be fed information that may be misleading, as he controls what he gives away. I'm not saying to shut these people out completely, but less exposure to his friends may aid you in healing yourself, and that's what's important. Perhaps you could try to keep contact with mutual friends minimal, until you're feeling more confident, and able to control yourself and emotions. Detaching yourself from his life completely has been something I know you have struggled with since his leaving." She finished. It hurt to think I would have to completely change my life just because of him. It didn't feel fair.
"I'll try my best." I felt a little uncomfortable with what she had said, even though I know it was the truth. She was completely right, but I couldn't handle that.
"I did meet someone new - Jason. He asked if I would like to go out for a coffee, but I declined. Then he asked for my number, to which I gave to him."
"Did you want to give it to him?" She questioned.
"No. I didn't."
"And why do you think that is?"
Deep down, I knew it was because I still had feelings for George, especially now. And although I had always told myself it was due to fear of men, I wasn't sure I believed that anymore. Maybe it was because I was scared I would fall for someone else, or because I was saving myself subconsciously.
"Because I wasn't attracted to him. And because I still have feelings for George."
Mel nodded. She was happy I was finally being true to myself, I guess.
"Do you think that your feelings affect you more than they should?"
I paused and thought. I wasn't sure.
"You don't have to give me an answer. I'm just raising questions with you to ask yourself. Don't feel like you have to tell me - though it would be more helpful if you did."
"Do you think my relationship with George would work out now ?" I asked. It was difficult to read her expression, as she'd had a great poker face.
"I can't answer that question for you, only you can. But your obsession with this seems to be unhealthy, and if you had followed through and been in a relationship, I don't think you would be happier in yourself. With depression and trauma, you will put your emotions on other things. For example, if the weather was bad outside, you would tell yourself you just feel low because you can't go out. But realistically, you could still leave the house. You're just telling yourself not to because of your own feelings, and masking it under things that are normal. With your trauma, you are telling yourself George is the problem. Being with him would solve the trauma. But, you need to evaluate whether being with him would help, or simply postpone feelings for a while. Then, when they come back due to a trigger, stress or just over time, you won't have gotten any better. If you can be in a relationship while also giving yourself enough time to heal and work on your mental health, then there would be a substantially larger chance of it working out.
I knew I was in denial with myself. After everything I had gone through, the last thing I needed was to go back to my abuser. But, I couldn't shake the hold he had over me. We had a connection that I won't ever have again; maybe that's because I won't let myself.
"Maybe I should let Jason take me out." I said. I maintained eye contact with the small matted hair in the rug.
"You don't have to be in a relationship at all. You can be single."
I nodded. Although, I had been single since George left. Perhaps it wasn't the way to go - but what was?
messiest chapter ever im so sorry - 1580 words unedited
