one name. one name, one pair of eyes. one beating heart. all i ever longed for. the only embrace i spent the last hundred and seventy nine days craving for, the beating of that heart which got me to beat a song, too. his song.
the tune i spent six months re-tuning and re-vocalising, humming the same song all along. not a song, a word. a name. one name. his name.
the reason i wished to witness another sunrise and gaze upon the sunset, the reason long
gone now, makes it hard to open these eyes again. your face was the incentive of wanting to survive yet another day, knowing it will end with your face. with you. feels like if they close, my eyes, they won't agape, again. bcs they are used to it. used to the darkness. the tenebrosity. the obscurity.
the embrace in which i spent thinking of carrying a family in, which held me when i broke, and followed me up until the light entered the profundity of my heart, withered away into the dust, over night.
within a span of minutes, the thoughts of a future went from having everything i need to me rethinking what i even have anymore, bcs everything i had, lead me back to him, for he was that everything.
they tell me. tell me to find myself, they say i need to cool off and search for myself now that i have time. now that i have me. but how am i supposed to search for me when he was everything i could've been. how should i look for who i am when i was just a hollow body and my soul was chained next to his, in his body.
it is not a choice, it is a decision.
it is not the will to do right, it is facing that he got saturated.
it is facing that, it can't be the same anymore.
it is agreeing that once broken, you cannot regenerate the lost,
it is acknowledging, all the happiness you got and the satisfaction he brought, came with a price, price of hurting, price that comes when you get too much. i got too happy than i should've, or even deserved to. price of pain.
and my love, it is called, love. and it will always, be with you. your face, always engraved in my heart, never washed away.
—diza:)
