Waiting for Tomorrow

Chapter five: Julianna.

January 16, 2021.

My eyes fluttered open. The weekend's finally here.

I sat up slowly and grabbed my phone off my night stand. I had several texts from both Asher and Brennan. Asher wanted to know if I was free this weekend, which I responded with 'no, sorry', because I have to film another video for our channel tomorrow, and today, I have plans. Brennan was understandably upset because I had been ignoring him for a while. I shot him a quick 'hey' in order to not leave him on read.

I took a shower, trying to ignore the way my body looked as much as possible, and when I got out and had wrapped myself in a towel, I couldn't help but notice my flat chest from underneath. My eyes started to well up with tears. Dysphoria is rough. I put my face fairly close to the mirror. My jawline isn't too masculine, which I was very grateful for. I picked up my razor and shaving cream and started to shave my face. I realized I was shaky as I started putting the cream on my face; I guess my anxiety is worse than usual today. I finished shaving, happy that my face was smooth again.

I stepped into my room and dressed in skinny jeans, a black knit sweater, and converse. I could actually wear a sports bra today, but I just had to make sure it never slipped up above the neck of my sweater. I brushed my hair and put it in a beanie, as usual, and then shoved my phone in my back pocket. I took Emmy on a short walk before feeding her and eating my own breakfast. I was still pretty sad. Dysphoria is always there, even if it's just in the back of my mind.

Hayley bounced down the stairs, happily.

"Hi sis! I'm excited for today!" She smiled, pouring herself a bowl of cereal.

"Me too," I smiled, sadly.

"Wait, what's wrong?" She asked, sitting next to me at the kitchen island.

I moved my spoon around in the bowl of Cheerios.

"My brain is not having a fun time today," I sighed, tears coming into my eyes.

Hayley's face dropped. "I'm sorry. Is there anything that'll make you feel better?"

I shook my head. "Stupid anxiety is always there, even when I seem super happy."

She gave me a hug. I was thankful.

A few minutes later, mom came down the stairs, filming. I turned the other direction and quickly wiped my face.

"Good morning guys! What are we doing today?" She asked.

"We're going to the mall!" Hayley shouted. I giggled.

"Yep! Go wash your dishes, and then we'll get going," Mom said. She headed over to where the dogs were and began to film them playing together.

Once I had rinsed my bowl, I grabbed my wallet from upstairs and got in the front seat of the Tesla. Caleb had to go to baseball training, so he's not coming with us. On the way to the mall, I talked to the camera about what stores we might go to.

When we arrived, my mom made us promise not to talk to any strangers. We promised her we'd stay safe since this was the first time that only Hayley and I had walked around the mall alone together.

As soon as we got around the corner from mom, we started talking.

"What do you want to shop for?" Hayley asked me.

"Uhh, I want you to teach me how to do makeup," I smiled at her.

"Really? Awesome!" She squealed.

We headed to Sephora. Mom had told us that we had to vlog in at least one store, so we figured we might as well film while in there. On camera, it was Hayley picking out makeup and me complaining jokingly about how long she was taking, but off camera, it was Hayley teaching me which brands were best and what the different products were for, based on what she's watched on YouTube. We tested different shades of foundation, concealer, and highlight on my wrists, and then bought what I liked. I had to wipe off my wrists though, of course. Normally, Hayley would have carried the bag, but it was actually pretty large, so I got to carry it, which made me happy.

We went to American Eagle, Hollister, and Aeropostale next, and those stores weren't too crowded, so we didn't have to pretend that we were shopping for Hayley. We filmed Hayley pointing out some cute shirts. I got to use my visa gift cards to buy a cute crop top, a skirt, and two pairs of jeans. By then, it was time to meet our mom by Nordstrom's. We went inside.

"Hey! What did you get?" Mom asked, on camera.

I got some makeup that I can't even wear when you're around, and a shirt and skirt I can't even wear out of the house.

"Uhh, Hayley got makeup and some shirts, and I got jeans," I said.

"Jeans? That's all?" Mom laughed.

"Yeah," I lied, nervously.

"So, Julian, I was thinking we could shop for some clothes here, since all you seem to want to buy these days are jeans and hoodies," Mom said.

I bit my lip. "Uhh, okay."

Mom filmed on the way over to the men's section. I saw the women's section in the corner of my eye and glanced at the ground. Hayley was doing a great job at distracting the camera from me by telling the story about how we saw a girl that looked exactly like Ariana Grande. It wasn't her though because she was super tall, and Ariana is short.

"Hey, Julian, aren't these nice?" Mom said, gesturing to a rack of baggy basketball shorts.

"Nobody wears those anymore, literally just thirteen year olds," I pointed out.

"I guess that makes sense," Mom said, turning off the camera.

She continued pointing out clothes and attempting to convince me to try them on. Hayley tried to get mom to leave, but to no avail. I desperately wanted to leave, so I gave in to trying on a gray and white striped tee with a pocket on one side of the chest. I put it on in the dressing room, and quickly realized that the sports bra was visible through the shirt.

"How does it fit?" Mom asked,

"I don't have it on yet," I lied.

I pulled off the shirt and pulled off the sports bra, cringing, and put the shirt back on. I opened the dressing room door. I felt naked without anything on my chest.

"That looks really good! Is it comfortable?"

"Ehh," I said.

"Well, I think you should get it," she smiled.

I went back into the dressing room and took off the shirt as fast as I could. Although the shirt looked pretty androgynous, knowing that it came from the men's section made me more dysphoric than I already was. I came out of the dressing room, convinced her to not make me buy it, hung the shirt back on the rack, and we left the mall.

As soon as we arrived home, I went up to my bedroom, shut the door, and cried.

This is 2021. I'm sixteen. I can't take anymore of this. My body feeling the opposite of how it's supposed to, being called a boy, the wrong name and wrong pronouns, and especially having to keep this secret from everyone. Soon, I'll have more irreversible damage caused by stupid testosterone, too.

I haven't made a New Years resolution yet, so I'll make one now.

I want 2021 to be the year I come out.