Harry Potter 2.0 - A Fix-It

Justice for Longbottom and Weasley

Stanley Ainsley sat at his desk. His quill hovered tentatively above the inkwell as he surveyed a letter that lay before him. Yesterday was July 31st, Harry Potter's birthday. The Boy Who Lived. Stanley was suffering a writer's block at the time and his deadline for a news story for The Daily Prophet was closing in on him, so he decided to write a report on Mr Potter. He knew, as all reporters did, that he would get mixed feedback on his article. However, he did not expect the owl that flew in this morning, carrying a letter from The Chosen One himself. As he began to read it, he noticed that it was set out in muggle format. He certainly did not expect the type of criticism that followed.

The letter read:

Mr Harry Potter

You don't need to know my address

London

1/07/2018

Mr Stanley Ainsley

Writer of that article

The Daily Prophet

Dear Mr Ainsley,

Like many other people, you have unfortunately realised that it was my birthday yesterday. I say unfortunately as you should not have committed a stranger's date of birth to memory. What's worse is that you have wasted your time, my time and your reader's time in constructing an article commemorating this stranger's birthday. As you know, you wrote a summery of my so-called achievements. Congratulations, it was very detail oriented. However, there were a few very essential details that you neglected from your summery.

To be quite honest, I only can take credit for approximately a quarter of the achievements you have listed. For example, defeating the Dark Lord. Voldy. I didn't defeat that gross psychopath. It was the combined efforts of many forgotten wizarding folk that lead to his defeat. I only delivered the killing blow. Please read a history book. Out of those wizards that you have forgotten, I'd like to direct you to my good friends, Ronald Weasley and Neville Longbottom. Neville could have been the chosen one. He also killed Nagini and alongside my wife he lead the revolution in Hogwarts after the Death Eaters took over. That's a hero. He overcame his trauma and fear to become a legend and is now an Auror. You don't think he's good enough? If you still don't respect him I would like you to send me your home address so I can fight you. I wouldn't advise interviewing him, however. He's more likely to set his Devil's Snare on you and give a mighty donation to the Quibbler to take people away from your newspaper.

Ronald Weasley is my best friend. He's been with me through every day, every step and every battle. He has defended his loved ones and the wizarding world with ferocity. He's just as much as a hero as I am. Probably even more so. Feel free to interview Ron, just be warned you will get a ton of childhood stories, a bunch of bullshit and a copy of the Quibbler.

So, Mr Ainsley, I suggest you refrain from writing anymore articles about me. If you cannot obey that simple request then write a report on how I plan to move to the country side and follow my life calling of becoming a potter if I see anymore of this dumb articles.
As the muggles say,

Toodles and LOL.

Harry Potter

The boy who doesn't give a damn

Stanley set the paper down on his desk. He glanced at his toad, Karen, in thought. Stanley took a deep breath and rolled out a fresh piece of parchment in front of him. His quill hovered above it for a moment, then began scratching away.

Rumours have appeared that speak of Harry Potter's desire to quit teaching at Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He has confided in me that he wishes to move to the countryside and become a potter. "I don't know." The boy who lived stated, "it just felt right."