Reduced to Ruin

Chapter 27

It was a week later, mid-February, and things were so tense. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I knew it wasn't good for my plan to continue being angry. But I couldn't help it. I tried with all my might to act normally with James, but I wasn't a very good actress. But if I wanted out of there, I knew I needed to clean up my act.

         My period came, and that was the start of the end—I had to start the pills. As embarrassing as it was, James knew my cycle, so I couldn't try to hide it.

         I recalled reading about Jaycee Dugard and how her psychotic captors, Phillip and Nancy Garrido, had to tell her at age thirteen she was four months pregnant. She was so young and ignorant about her body, only having been eleven at the time of abduction, that she was oblivious to the baby growing inside of her. I was at least grateful I would never go through anything like that, as small of a consolation that may have been. Even if I couldn't get out of there before James raped me, at least I would get out in the long run. I had to keep reminding myself of that.

         At dinner that night I sat down with a heavy heart. Things were changing, and I longed for our relationship to be as they were just a couple weeks ago. Life was so much simpler then.

         When I sat down at the dinner table, I saw a little yellow pill next to my water glass.

         So there it was. This was it, my birth control pill.

         James finished setting the table. We were having vegetable lasagna. James said our customary prayer, something that still felt foreign to me, especially nights like these.

         "Dear Lord," James began, "thank you for all of your blessings. We ask that you look over us during this transitional time. Be with us and guide us. Amen."

         Transitional time.

         James began cutting up the lasagna and serving it.

         "Oh, man, that smells good," James said, trying to start conversation. "I'd like to say I worked on it all day, but I think Stouffer did instead."

         I stifled a laugh, unwilling to give him any satisfaction. He passed me the salad and bread.

         "So, Corrine," James ventured, "have you noticed the pill there for you?"

         I inched up my plate to cover it.

         "It's right there next to your water glass. Please take it."

         I ignored him and began eating my dinner. To hell with him. The truth was I had already planned on taking it, knowing I didn't have a true choice. But, damn it, I was going to make him sweat it out, my own way of protesting. It wasn't much, but at least I had one little iota of control.

         Dinner rolled on, and the elephant in the room sat next to my water glass. He was waiting for me to take it, glancing occasionally at my glass. He could keep on waiting, as far as I was concerned. The anxiety I was making him feel was so worth it. I was giddy inside, watching him squirm about what my next move would be. It took all of my strength not to burst out in a demonic laugh. I was being petty, but I didn't care. I loved having an ounce of control, for once. Three months of suppression.

         At the end of dinner, I stood up to clear my plate, as usual. And there it sat, my pill, waiting for me.

         "Wait a minute," James said. "I think you forgot something."

         "No, no, I don't think I did."

         What the hell was I doing? I was pushing it too far. I cleaned off my plate in the kitchen and put it in the dishwasher.