Why Would You Read This

I Trained Hippos to Dance Ballet But a Kid Who Made Pizza Won The Talent Show

It's exactly what it sounds like. I went through the trouble of training two Hippopotamuses to dance gracefully to Tchaikovsky's "Swan Lake," only to be humiliated in front of the whole school.

To be honest, I didn't have much knowledge on how to train a hippo. I don't even know what a hippo would consider an incentive: Hippo Treats aren't exactly available at the local petsmart and believe me, I tried looking. All I had on me was a half-eaten hamburger from McDonalds as I tried to coax my elephantine, vaguely amphibious friends into tutus.

I thought I had it in the bag for sure. I knew my idea was original, and nobody would be expecting this. I was right. As soon as I pulled up to my high school with my hippos in tow, there was a lot of horrified screaming. When I tried to get them to perform, they ran down the hallways ploughing through bystanders in the hallway.

My heart caught in my throat as I watched the hippos flee into the sunlight. My view was blocked by the principal who was running back and forth, calling Animal Control on the phone.

My moment of glory was stolen by this kid who built a pizza oven from scratch and made a succulent looking pizza as the whole school oohed and aahed. Whoop de fuckin doo.

It soon dawned on me how much trouble I was in. No doubt the aquarium would want their hippos back, and if they were lost forever somewhere out in the suburbs, I could probably get sued. I debated trying to convince the authorities that I knew absolutely nothing about anything, but I knew they would hold me financially and otherwise responsible since I'm 15 and not 5. I wish I was 5 though, because then they'd probably let this whole hippo fiasco slide and I'd be off the hook. I walked out of the school and trudged home with my head held low, wishing I still had that half hamburger from McDonalds.