Why Would You Read This

Therapy Time

The blogger known as UnstableTable logged out. She had recently gained a large following for her lamp recipes, among other things. To her followers, UnstableTable appeared to have it all. But on the inside, she felt hollow and empty.

At her apartment, she fastened the buttons on her coat and wrapped a scarf around her neck.

She hailed a cab, paying the driver with exposure. "Hashtag therapy time!" She cried, shoving her camera in the poor man's face.

She reached her new therapist's office, pushing the door open.
The therapist took one look at her and moved her glasses down.

"Let's get one thing straight," Said the Dr. "I don't need these glasses." She promptly threw them out the window.

The blogger sat down nervously.

"You must be Kiera Renesmee  Jermagesty McKenna Ricardo Rosa de la Montoya Ramirez." Said the psychiatrist.

"I go by Apple."

"Very well Apple. How are you doing?"

" I think I'm doing better," Said Apple slowly, as if she didn't dare believe it. "I'm in a happy relationship with the lead singer of my new favorite band: Weeb Spaghetti."

"Nice," said the therapist, writing something down. "I myself am a big fan of Weeb Spaghetti. Their debut album 'Ouch Mom Stop Hitting Me I'm Just Trying to Make a Meme' really stuck with me. So Apple, when did you realize you were sexually attracted to stupid people?"

"I knew from a very young age," Said Apple enthusiastically. "Cosmo from Fairly Oddparents was my first love."

The doctor nodded. "But of course. Unless I am mistaken, your first relationship ended when your boyfriend mistook bleach for bubble bath."

Apple sighed. "Why does nothing in my life go right?"

The therapist cleared her throat and looked away uncomfortably. "Moving on, is there anything in particular you'd like to discuss?"

Apple began to sob. "They cut the table out of the Lion King remake! After all I put into that role. I could have been big, but those uncultured swines thought the table wasn't important enough."

"There there," Said the therapist, reaching over to pat Apple.

Apple's tear glazed eyes finally landed on the therapist's nametag.

"YOU!" She cried in shock.

"Me," Said Chogiwhynot.

"You fiend! You expired salad!"

The therapist gently reached over to grab Apple's arm. "Just let it all go," she whispered. "There's a reason for everything."

"You're right." Said Apple. "Maybe my life will turn around. Maybe something good will come out of all I've endured. Maybe you'll finally give me that happy ending."

"LOL no." Snorted the shitty author. "Your suffering got me 81k reads and I finally reached my ambition of being popular on an app for horny 13 year olds. Thanks dude," she said, clapping her stricken character on the back and leaving the office.