|| Wolf's Bane || The Order || Hamish X Reader ||

Regret

We were more careful after the attack.

The Knights all expressed their condolences to me in different ways. Lilith helped me make a grave for Tyler in the backyard, Randall brought me lots of different snacks and junk food. I think they were all really surprised Tyler died for us.

I wasn't...

He cared about me. I would've done the same thing, if it were him. Maybe if I had just taken him to the hospital when we first found him he would still be here. I loved him so much, now that he's gone I feel lost. Killing that one order member made me feel better for a little while but it wasn't gonna bring him back, I knew that. Hamish helped me, as much as he could at least.

I was mad at him for the first few weeks, then it was like I needed him to continue living. He kept me smiling and he made strong enough drinks to help me forget. He knew how I felt, losing someone that you love. He had Cassie and I had Tyler. I didn't even sleep in my own bed anymore, Tyler's blood and scent were soaked into it. Instead I stayed in Hamish's bed. Some nights when I couldn't sleep or had a bad dream, he was there, with a drink in his hand and a warm touch. My one rule: No kissing. I couldn't do that to him. He understood, or at least he tried.

I didn't think anything of it, just like an addict or an alcoholic doesn't think about how their next drink/fix might hurt their family. I never would have let it go on if I didn't think that I needed him. Today was bad, worse then usual.

I felt the bed shift as Hamish got up and got dressed, he made his way over to my side of the bed. He kneeled down and pushed the hair from my face, his fingers tickling me enough to wake me. When he pulled away he almost immediately had this look on his face. I sighed, "I'm fine" I muttered, rolling my eyes at his worry. "No you're not. I'm staying in bed with you." he ran a hand through his hair and I sat up. "You have a class today, you can't"

"I'll call in sick."

"For the 5th time this month? Hamish you have to go on with your life, don't let me hold you back because I'm mourning" I stared at him and he matched my look as he considered his options.

His jaw clenched, his fingers fiddling and his eyes set on me. "I'm coming here for lunch to make sure you've eaten, Randall doesn't have class until 3:00 so if you need anything then he's here." He grabbed his bag and looked back at me. "I'll...uh, see you in a few hours. I...never mind" he sighed and walked out.

I let myself fall back into the pillow, and laid there, staring at the ceiling for an hour. I grabbed my laptop and began searching for something, anything for me to do. Nothing. Not unless I wanted to spend 4 hours playing some crappy online game for elementary kids.

I hadn't gone to Tyler's grave in a while. I didn't have any flowers to put there though. He wouldn't care about that anyway. I sighed and slowly got out of bed, getting dressed and making my way out of the back door. Lilith made a rock pile where the tombstone would be. I sat down at the foot of the grave and took a deep breath.

"Morning Tyler...this is weird, If you are here then I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry for never telling you I love you, or for putting you through this mess. This is my fault. I went with them, I went to Vera, I brought you here." I could feel the tears again. I wiped them away with my sleeve and closed my eyes. "You're not here. This is bullshit" I stood up and crossed my arms. I stared at the grave for a while before going back inside. "Hey, are you okay?" Randall asked, his mouth stuffed with cereal.

"I'm fine" I shook my head and sat down in the living room. Randall followed me and sat down on the couch. His eyes wondered everywhere but towards me. "There's this kid that joined the order, he thinks we're killing the recruits, by we I mean werewolves. He uh...would make a good new member. The rest of the group might not think so though"

"Have you asked?" my voice came out a little more taut then I intended. He seemed a little taken back by the anger and placed down his bowl on the table. "What d-"

"Don't drag him into this without asking him if this is what he wants." I stood to leave but he stopped me. "Hang on just a second! I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do to fix what happened. I for one thought becoming a Wolf was pretty cool"

"Not everyone wants to spend their life chasing ringing noises as a giant mutt, living in this dump with three idiots that let their best friend die" I snapped. I had never insulted any of the knights. Especially not Hamish. I was wrong, he wasn't an idiot. I was. "I'm sick of this place, and all of you." I shoved Randall out of my way, grabbed a bottle and went back up stairs. I waited there, ignoring the calls and knocks of both Randall and Lilith.

It wasn't until Hamish arrived for lunch that I unlocked the door. One of them must have told him about my explosion because the look on his face terrified me. Hamish had never really gotten mad at me but I could tell by the look on his face that this was different. He approached me with an intensity, his eyes not leaving mine. I stepped back against the wall, his jaw and fists were clenched.

"I can't believe you, we have treated you like family. We never meant to make you one of us, it was out of our control! You know for a fucking fact that wasn't supposed to happen."

"No, you're right. You never meant to make me one of you, you were gonna kill me. Weren't you?" I took a step towards him, cautiously. His brows furrowed and his face softened. "Is that what you think?" he threw his bag on the floor and moved closer. Inches apart now, I decided I wasn't going to cry or break down, no matter what happened. I felt no sorrow, only anger.

"I brought you with us to protect you...believe it or not I fought with myself for so long on whether I was good enough for you. You helped me get over Cassie, I even risked my life saving you from the order!"

"I gave up everything because of you. My life, my family and my friends. I've lost everything because of you and your friends." I placed my hands on his chest quickly, trying to shove him away but he simply caught them and pulled me towards him instead. I should've seen it coming from the way he looked at me. His mouth found mine and in the moment of passion and anger, I kissed him back.