Bates

28

   *TRIGGER WARNING*

   "Dylan...Dylan-- I don't want you to be afraid to come home. I didn't tell Alex. I know it must be so hard for you, and I'm so sorry," she paused, "I never wanted you to know, because I was afraid of what it would do to you. I was afraid of what Caleb might think, if he found out that he had a son...I just want you to know, I would never trade you for anything, no matter who your father is. I love you, and nothing's ever going to change that.

   I'm worried about Norman. Alex took him to Pineview after what he did. First the blackouts, and now this-- I'm scared for him, Dylan. And I really need you here. I need you to come home."

   It was the message she sent the night Alex had left with Norman, the night she couldn't sleep for worrying over her boys. Norman had almost certainly lost his mind, and Dylan's absence scared Norma into thinking that something could really be wrong with him.

   Months passed with no response from Dylan, Emma, or Will. It was as if they had just vanished without telling anyone where they were going.

   Norma had managed to keep her secret until a day came when the world swarmed her fearful thoughts. She was in another frenzy of cooking and cleaning when it all came showering down on her, spilling over Alex in a mad tumble of words.

   "I wish you wouldn't worry yourself over this, Norma," Alex  first told her, "Dylan is an adult. He can take care of himself, and I'm sure he would let you know if something was wrong."

   "I just-- I can't just not worry, Alex. He left in such a hurry," she scurried from one end of the counter to the other, chopping vegetables and frying beef in a frying pan. He came up behind her, brushing her shoulders so as not to catch her off guard. Norma had been unusually jumpy during her son's disappearance, and it made him think that she didn't feel safe.

   "Come. Sit down," he told her, kissing her forehead. Her uneasy gaze drifted to the floor. He glanced over at the burning contents of the pan. "Don't worry about cooking. I'll order something and have it sent here." His gentle hands guided her to the living room.

   She sat on the couch, feeling guilty. Here she was, fretting over Norman and Dylan, yet knowing that Alex's patience was wearing thin. She could see just by his stance that it was torture for him to try and comfort her with so little knowledge as to what had truly happened on the day that Caleb came to the motel for the last time.

   "Alex," she started.

   "Yeah?"

   Her body started to tremble unnervingly.

   He noted her silence and hung up the phone, seeing the tears that brimmed her terrified blue eyes.

   "I need to tell you--" she stopped herself again. If she told him this, he would hate her. She could see it in her mind: the disappointed expression on his face as he turned away from her, questioning why she never told him this. Wondering what else his wife must be hiding from him. Being touched with the knowledge of what a disgusting creature she was...he would hate her, she was almost definitely certain.

   He sat beside her on the couch, patiently waiting for whatever she had to say.

   Norma could hardly look at those kindly, brown eyes. She wanted him to be mad at her, wanted him to be spiteful so that she could say what she needed to say and feel justified at how it might make him feel.

   "What is it?"

   "Um-- well...when I was young, my--my brother...my brother and I, we slept together," she admitted, wincing as she spoke. "And-- it was terrible. Everything, it was all terrible. My mother, she was ill and on medication all the time, and my father, he was terrible to us...but all we had was each other, I guess, and..." she paused, sniffling a little.

   We were together for years. I tried to stop it when I was seventeen, and it made him really angry," she looked up at him, her usually bright eyes growing ever dim, "And he raped me. I loved him, and he raped me anyways," she found herself looking down at the floor to avoid her husband's silent, stoic gaze. "And Dylan-- he's Dylan's father. 

   I guess...I guess Norman overheard us talking and figured it out. I had to tell Dylan, he had a right to know but, I'm worried, Alex. I'm worried because I'm afraid that he'll think I don't love him. I'm afraid that he'll hate himself, like I hate myself....like I hated Caleb," her voice broke for a moment, "I hated him so much," she admitted, "But I never wanted him dead. I just thought I could control it, and I can't. And it hurts. And if anyone finds out, this could hurt you, and I don't want to hurt you-- if you want to leave me, I wouldn't blame you. I didn't tell you the truth, and I deserve whatever you do to me. Just please go, just...pack your bags."

   His gaze was misted with understanding as he wrapped his arms around her, saying nothing. They laid together for a while in awkward silence, and for the first few minutes she feared that this was his way of saying goodbye. However, as time passed, and he still refused to move, she began to realize that perhaps he really did forgive her for what she had done so long ago. Perhaps, she realized, he understood that she wasn't good a being a wife, and maybe he wasn't as perfect as she thought, either. Or, maybe he was too busy deciding if he hated or not her to know what to do with himself.

   "Let's go to bed," he muttered eventually, seeing her wary gaze eye him uncomfortably.

   Disbelief etched itself on her broken face. "But-- I thought..."

   "C'mon," he said, helping her stand. "Up you go," he said, guiding his confused wife up the stairs.

   She sat on the bed, staring up at him. He untied her apron, laying it on the bench at the end of their bed. Then, he started to unbutton her shirt, unveiling her fair skin. She bit her lip. His touch was compassionate and his lips soft as they graced her neck with a kiss...she melted underneath him as he wrapped his arms protectively around her, hiding her from the world

   It wouldn't fix things, he knew. It wouldn't help to take the pain away from her mind. However, it would ease her into a calm, much-needed sleep.