T h i r s t

t w e l v e

He was in my face the second I opened the door. How dare he.

"I guess I forget to do and say important things sometimes. You know what that's like." I replied serenely, my arm barricading the entrance. I didn't know if I should let him in yet.

He sighed and ducked his head down. "Ok, I deserve that. Will you let me in before we get into it?"

"Get into what?" I folded my arms adamantly. Why?

"About what just happened."

"Oh." I said like it had just occurred to me. Why?!

"I know you're upset and I--"

"What makes you think that?" I scoffed.

Woman, stop this. Whatever this is.

"I'll explain everything. I'll answer every question you have. I just need you to listen." He pleaded, and I backed away, walking into the kitchen.

I heard him close the door behind me as I sat at the island counter and dug into my dinner again.

"Is that ice cream? It's midnight."

"I thought I got to ask the questions." I said quietly, not looking up at him. I had to make him suffer at least a little, right?

"Sorry." He cleared his throat and sat at a chair across the counter from mine.

"She's your ex?"

"Yes."

"What did she want?"

"Me."

"What did you say?"

He frowned, looking at me like he didn't believe me." That it was impossible and that I was in a relationship."

"Oh, so you told her I wasn't a whore?"

"Lo." He sighed.

"Yes or no, Ryan?" I chuckled humorlessly. "Just about everyone we meet either assumes you're paying me to fuck you, or that I have daddy issues and I am so . . . tired. So yes, or no?"

He simply nodded.

"How long were you together?"

He hesitated. "4 years."

My eyes widened and I set the spoon down. "You dated for 4 years?" That was way more than I could possibly imagine!

"We dated for a month. We were . . . married for 4."

All the air left me. I wish I could say I didn't see it coming.

I've always had this thing ever since I was a kid. Every time things were going perfect and I was on top of the world, it was like a foreboding. That it was all too good to be true. That a perfect storm had been brewing for some time and it was going to rock my perfectly still boat. This was that storm.

"Lo? Please say something." He pleaded, reaching his fingers for mine. I pulled my hands into my lap.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

He sighed and stared at the coasters. "I wanted to, in the beginning . . . But to be honest, I didn't think we would last this long. So, I didn't see the point in you knowing that I was a cliché divorced old cop. And as days went by, it got harder to bring up because I didn't want you to think I had a committed relationship that failed. I like what we have."

He swallowed audibly and tapped his fingers against the counter top.

"And I didn't want to do anything to risk that, you know? But I am really sorry I didn't tell you. I should've just told you."

"Yeah, you should have. Hiding it for this long seems very suspicious to me, Ryan. It's like it ended horribly and you don't want me to know."

"It wasn't horrible."

"I'm supposed to believe everything you're saying now?"

"Yes. Because it's the truth." His voice trembled. I gripped his forearm and forced him to look at me. There was another thing I wanted to know, another thing that had bugged me for a long time.

"Do you have kids?"

"No." He shook his head. "It's why we broke up."

I frowned and leaned in.

"I always wanted to have kids. I'd been telling her that from the start, but . . . once we got married, it was just one excuse after another. She'd say getting pregnant would interfere with her career one year, and then just how things weren't 'right' the next. But I waited like a fool, for her to be ready. Until she told me she didn't want to have kids at all. After 4 years of marriage."

Oh.

That wasn't what I had been expecting at all. I assumed she'd divorced him. Because lying was a huge red flag for me and once I started to see red, I saw it everywhere.

"Do you regret it?" I asked, looking away.

"What?"

"Do you regret divorcing her?"

"Of course not."

"What if you'd have waited another year and she'd have said yes?"

"She wouldn't." He shook his head morosely. "And it wasn't just that. She never cared about me beyond an obligation. And after a while, I didn't even like her anymore. I couldn't believe I asked her to marry me." He paused to sigh and fidget with a coaster. "But I had just made detective and I felt that it was a good time to start a family and . . . she was my neighbor so it was all very convenient. I didn't know if I'd get another chance so . . . I went all in. And I got hurt." He shrugged, his fingers twitching. He was craving a smoke.

I considered asking him to go ahead, but stopped myself and wrapped his fingers in my hands.

"I'm sorry."

His head jerked up and he looked at me in bewilderment.

"Why are you--Lo, I'm the one who's supposed to apologize."

"I'm sorry that happened to you." I sniffled and pulled my hands back to wipe my tears.

"Baby, please don't cry . . . I'm the asshole here."

"You're a good man, Ryan. You didn't deserve that." I sobbed, and heard him get off the stool.

"Sh . . . " He lulled me calm, wrapping his arms around me.

"Being with you has made me so soft." I sobbed, locking my arms around his neck. He chuckled into my hair and kissed it.

"Likewise, kitten."

"But don't ever keep anything from me again." I warned in his ear, the tears undercutting my tone.

He pulled away and held my face in his hands gently, giving me a sincere look. "Never again. I swear."

"Because I will dump your ass. Is that clear?" I threatened, but it only made him chuckle.

"Yes, ma'am." He smiled and kissed my forehead.

I had surprised myself. Again.

If you'd told me 4 months ago that I was going to be in a relationship with my patient who lied about being married and I still chose to be with him, I'd take you off ketamine. But like I said, being with him had made me soft. And more forgiving and understanding. Now, I'm beginning to think that those were good things.

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