No Escape, a Team Fortress 2 Story.

Spy's worries

Scout's been missing for 4 hours now. He disappeared during a routine payload push on Upward. I was all the way in the front, behind enemy lines and I heard the scream. The enemies heard it as well, and they thought it was me. "Spy around here!"yelled a paranoid Engineer to his team. I was invisible and crouched on top a large barrel near the enemy spawn, and had to get out fast or I was toast for the Pyro. We lost because that incompetent Demoman and the Heavy were having a test to see who can burp the loudest. Imbeciles!

When we regrouped, the Scout was the only person missing. My team being as ignorant as they always were, told me that either they don't care, or that he is dead. I had to prod a little harder to get into their thick brains and finally, they reveal that Scout had gotten distracted by something farther ahead and had wandered up to see what it was. Heavy believes that the scream, which he had heard over the roaring sound of gunfire and over the creaking of the payload , was Scout. He told me that it was 100% certain that it was Scout's because every time he had beat Scout's wiry frame for taking(stealing)his sandvich, Scout would utter that very scream. I had also heard the scream, and was alarmed by how loud and piercing it was. "Skinny man is probably dead," replied the Heavy as he was stroking his mini gun after the fight. The only people actually interested in helping me find Scout were the Medic, who wanted to dissect Scout's body in the very likely chance that he had died, and the Sniper, who's reasoning I shall not disclose other than that it has something to do with his disgusting jars of urine.

We searched the entirety of Upward and came up with a metal bat. Medic saw a metallic glow from the bushes and went to conduct an inquiry of the surrounding area, but it was most likely because he had to pee. Sniper had offered him one of his jars, but Medic had thankfully declined. So, I was surprised to see Medic come back with a baseball bat in tow. Perhaps, it could offer some clues. Medic and I (not Sniper, because he had fallen asleep after rapidly peeing out a lot of blood into a jar, which he said was the side effect of the Pee-Faster Pills™️.) The bat yielded nothing more than dried blood that coated the lower half of the bat in a dark patch. The Medic saw this as as further proof that Scout had died or at least gravely injured himself, to where he would die. We had a little argument on whether this bat should be sent for Miss Pauline to analyse, but was interrupted quite rudely by the Sniper, who had screamed himself awake due to what I thought to be the excruciating amount of pain in his lower genitalia. Instead, the Sniper pointed at the bat and yelled that accursed wizard's name, Merasmus, in a high-pitched tone.

Medic seemed to be spooked and threw the bat into a tree, where upon impact, had transformed abruptly into a slightly elderly man wearing a hat made of a skull and a black cloak. "Urghhhh, Merasmus demands to know who just did that!" said the elderly man in a heap near the tree.  The Sniper and I both pointed at the Medic without hesitation.
"You are going to regret that, whoever you are, because I'm going unleash my full Merasmus power onto your quivering mortal soul!" yelled the elderly man, now Merasmus, an immortal wizard capable of all the dark arts, yet still is bested by one mercenary through his stupidity alone. Medic pulled out his ubersaw, I pulled out my revolver, and the Sniper pulled out a jar of piss. Merasmus stood up rather clumsily and slowly turned around to create suspense. I aimed my pistol at his head and prepared to unleash a torrent of bullets into that skull. Merasmus finally faced us, and he looked absolutely terrible. His hair looked like a black cat had anchored itself to his head and was now arching his back, and his face was completely covered in purplish bruises. His cloak was tattered and ripped in half from the waist-down, so everyone could see his Pink Heart Underwear™️ glowing beneath. Sniper seemed to take a step back at the sight and without hesitation, tossed the jar of warm urine onto Merasmus's face, turning it yellow. "Arghhh, it burns, it burns....." screamed the decrepit wizard known as Merasmus.

"You look like someone who just killed twenty people with their bare hands," observed the Medic, who obviously would have experience with this type of thing. I was tempted to pull the trigger and asked Merasmus, "Why were you disguised as Scout's bat and where is Scout?" Merasmus raised a hand and seemed to clench his face, turning it more purple of that was even possible. I heard a loud fart happen and then a spark of magic flicker out of Merasmus's palm, before disintegrating to nothingness. "My magic is gone!!!!!?????" screamed Merasmus at the top of his lungs and began to back-pedal away from us. I stepped forward and heard Medic behind me laughing at Merasmus in a savage manner. "Where is Scout?" I asked Merasmus once more with my revolver still pointed at his cowering form.

"He took it from me!" replied Merasmus without explaining at all who he was.

Medic was frothing at the mouth like a rabid dog, and I had to hold him back taking a stab at Merasmus with his ubersaw. "Who stole your magic?" I asked slowly once more, my revolver hand shaking.

Merasmus reared up once more to full height like a black bat, except for the underwear, and responded, "The boy who you call Scout, he stole it from me, and now we are all doooooomed!!!"