Diary of a Proud Army Girlfriend

July 27th, 2019 1:58am

Yesterday was a month since you've been at Basic training. You're so many states away, and it sucks. I know that you understand how much it hurts to be away from you, but at the same time...you don't. You're making friends, talking to them everyday, and you're constantly distracted. While I'm over here back home, lonely and missing you so much everyday. I am an emotional rollercoaster. I can be fine at one moment and sad the next. The nights are of course lonelier because I can't say, "goodnight, babe". Or, "I love you, darling." With a bunch of emojis like I used to be able to do. I don't know if it's stupid or not, but I still sometimes text your phone, even though you won't be able to read it until you're out of basic. Or if you possibly earn the privilege of being allowed to call your family or me on Sunday. Of course, it's all up to the DS (Drill Sergeant). Which also makes everything else suck ass. Because if your team doesn't do well in training than the DS can take away privileges or something. I hate sitting here alone all of the time. Our best friend, sucks literal ass at texting. But I hate calling. Like, sometimes I'm really in the mood to chat over the phone about something, but that's kinda rare that I am ever in that mood.

This is just me rambling, and having 2-3am thoughts I guess. But it's been on my mind for a while. Plus, an event that happened tonight...pretttyyyy suureeee it made me have an anxiety attack caused by PTSD. Which makes me feel even lonelier because I would've been texting you about it, and you would've tried to give me advice. You also would've been able to calm me down. It wasn't severe or even bad though. I just teared up a bit. I hate not being allowed to hang out with Will. All because his dad thinks it's inappropriate since you're at basic babe. I understand why his dad deems it inappropriate; however, Will isn't even like that! I know he wouldn't do anything to harm our relationship. I know that he only thinks of me as a sister, and I think of him as a brother. But no. Will's father wouldn't even hear of it. Will doesn't even think that I would be able to explain everything to his parents. Plus, it's already said and done because this whole debacle happened three or so weeks ago. Writing letters is hard, babe. I mean it's not hard but it is. Only because I feel as if I'm just repeating myself over and over again. Whenever I'm trying to be supportive, writing down the reasons I love you, and as to why I am proud of you for joining the Army. I'm also trying to be positive for you, because writing anything that could stress out your soldier, is a huge no no. Which is also completely understandable, because y'all are already undergoing so much pressure. I'm not going to do anything to make that worse on you. I love receiving your letters babe. I really do. But this shit is so fucking hard sometimes. I'm going through all of this because I love you. I love you so goddamned much that I want to marry you someday. In fact, I want to do it sometime in the near-ish-ish future. Instead of waiting until you're out of the Army. I admit that I'm still hella scared that you'll find somebody better than me. Or you find somebody else while at basic. Because you're not seeing me everyday, and you're seeing all of these thicc girls. I hate it. I mean I know that there's always going to be better looking girls wherever you go. But it's also the fact that I can't even text you about this stuff. I know that you always tell me how much you love me, but I keep seeing posts from mothers. Saying how they keep hearing from their own soldier's that there's so much cheating going on down there. It makes me worry because you're the one that taught me how to finally trust again. And I don't want to lose you babe. I really fucking don't. I trust you but I still have my fears because of my past relationships. You know this. And I know that you've proven yourself to be loyal but that's also because I was here. We hung out all the time, and were constantly texting. Now, all we can do is write, and I can send you photos of stuff. But that's it. It's mail. Snail mail. I do love writing letters, I told you this from the beginning. Although, this is so much harder. I'm alone. I feel as if nobody is my true friend. Either that or I'm just rejecting them and not wanting to see them as a real friend, I don't know. But it kills me inside.

I know that I have a lot to work on, and I have been. It's just that this whole anxiety attack is fucking me up right now. And I just need a goddamn hug from someone. Nobody in the support groups lives around where we live. I just want someone I can open up and spill everything to. Because I can't even talk to Abby anymore. Since I fucked up that friendship, and I fucked up Ana and I's friendship. Although, to be honest...she wasn't good for me anyway. But it was still nice to have a girl friend. I dunno. My brain is mush. I'm mentally tired, but also overthinking everything. And can't sleep. I love you so much though, Dylan. You have no fucking clue.

Love,
Your Proud Army Girlfriend