Diary of a Proud Army Girlfriend

August 1st,2019-Thursday

These are the letters that I can't send you. Because all of them are supposed to be uplifting. I'm not good with positivity. You know that babe. I used to look on the bright side all the time. And I know how emo this'll sound but it's true haha, I started realizing how dark everything is. I'm exhausted right now and have to get ready for work soon. But I dunno. This is a mental breakdown rant.

All of these letters are supposed to be positive. And I get that. But I'm breaking down babe. I have no one. I have no friends. Nobody asks me if I'm okay. If I wanna do stuff. Unless it's my dad. Which in that case, y'all may think it's a good thing. He cares. Blah blah blah. No. You don't know my dad like I do. You haven't seen and felt the things he's done. No. He's not as bad as other stories I've heard. But it's also nothing good either. You're supposed to be here protecting me here. I know you're gonna be out serving our country. But what am I supposed to do with these flashbacks, and barely even sleeping at all? It's killing me. People would say that I'm isolating myself. That it's MY fault that I don't get out of the house anymore. It's not my fuckin fault. I decided to not start school because of your graduation babe. So that I wouldn't miss it. And because I obviously had no money. And I didn't completely know what to do yet. I've tried checking up on people, hanging out with them, and such. But what can I do? Nothing. Cause they don't care. I thought Zane did. But he doesn't really check up on me either. I guess it's understandable. I break every relationship I have. Somehow you've stayed so far and I really don't know why. Speaking of relationships. You really wanna go to fuckin Korea babe???
I know that it's because you mostly wanna travel. But it feels like it's an extended punishment. Because I won't ever see you or hear from you based on the stupid ass time zones. 😭🤦🏻‍♀️ It just stresses me the fuck out. And I guess I wanna get married to you because I really do love you, but I also feel like it wouldn't be such as a bigger temptation to cheat ya know? That's my biggest concern. That and what if you'd get sent to Iraq and then you fuckin die??? I wanna be with you every step of the way. I really don't want to have to wait 3 whole years basically 4years. For us to get married. I guess Basic didn't really change your mind like the girls thought that it would've. Because of what their boyfriends are like. At the same time all of them have been in relationships longer. Or were already talking about marriage before their boyfriends left. Ugh. It's just that this fuckin sucks ass. I wish I could write to you and have my mental breakdown that way. But I'm not allowed to worry you. That's basically rule #1 of Writing to Your Solider. I just feel so alone and lost babe. I don't fuckin know what to do. Maybe I'm just rejecting everyone. Idk. In the beginning I was hopeful and felt like I could conquer this easily and that I would better myself easily. But no. I'm fuckin failing at this so hard. While you're having so much fun. Unless you're just telling me that and you could be miserable. But I doubt it. Like why wouldn't you tell me about if you're sad? Unless you didn't want to worry me. But you know that I would rather know than not know. Idk. I trust you but it's honestly just my fuckin brain. I just wanna see you and be alone with you to talk and cuddle. But we won't be able to do that even when I get there. Cause I'm going with your family. Which is alright but I really wish I could at least bring my juul with me. Since I can't bring my cigs and they wouldn't like the juul in the first place or anything. Good lord. Help me.