Slate | ✓

TWENTY-THREE | WILL

"Why're you here?" My voice creaks from disuse.

Ella's brown eyes are shining. She rests her chin on her hands, which sink into the edge of my mattress. She hovers just outside the boundary I've limited my world to. "Your sister asked me over. She said you've barely left your room the past two days." Ella sits on the floor and watches me. Waiting. "That's a long time to be alone, Will."

I shrug. My eyes retrace familiar, memorized patterns on the ceiling.

I feel the mattress compress beside me where Ella lies down and her head settles on the pillow as she faces me. Her gaze is like a weight. 

"Not now." I shake my head.

"Why?"

"I smell."

"I don't mind."

"Seriously just go, please." There's a hint of desperation in my voice. "I—I can't right now."

"Last time you told me to go I didn't see you again for three months." Her words are kind and patient and I don't want to be hearing them. I don't want to hear anything. "So if you don't mind, I think I'll just be right here for the time being."

I just shake my head again and stare somewhere at the space above her ear.

"I'm not leaving," she says.

"I don't want you to just lie here and feel bad too."

Ella folds the pillow under her head and settles in. "I don't feel bad, and I'm not going anywhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Annie checks in on us sometimes. The door will slowly, cautiously crack open. She brings food. I'm not hungry, and the idea of some hidden mechanism of my body digesting food makes me feel physically disgusted. It's energy I don't have to spend.

Mainly, we sleep. The glass of water on my bedside table is emptied, then refilled, then emptied again, seemingly of its own accord—like I'm watching a DVD that keeps skipping. Once, I wake up and Ella's eyes are closed. Her dark hair splays out as her breath rises and falls in a silent rhythm. A small puddle of drool collects on the pillow. All my love and gratitude and guilt is swallowed by the buffer space of absolute nothing. 

Each time I fall asleep I don't wake up feeling any less tired.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm so sorry."

The sun has gone down outside, and despite the darkness, I can see the purpose in Ella's eyes. "I thought we were past the apologies."

"Maybe I lied," I whisper. "About everything."

Ella blinks. "Then I'd like to hear what you have to say. All of it, even if it's hard."

I focus on the feel of her beside me, like anything beyond the borders of this mattress has ceased to exist. I have nowhere left to go. I bunch our hands closer to my chest and she reaches up to settle one palm on the side of my neck. "I haven't been able to be there for you like you have with me, and you don't—"

"Please," Ella shakes her head. "Don't talk about what I deserve."

"I—I never meant to make you feel alone." Her eyes burn into mine. "I'm really sorry. I don't know what's happening to me anymore. It never used to be like this... It's so heavy. Like, I feel so slow and ugly all the time, and I'll be doing things, just everyday things and I'm so far away."