The Key to My Heart (Or to Baz's Diary)

Like Father Like Son

Baz

Simon is waiting in my bedroom while I go looking for father and Fiona, so the three of us can talk. I'm still as nervous as ever, but I have to believe that maybe there's a chance this could go well.

I make my way back down the staircase and walk towards the kitchen, where I can make out father and Fiona speaking.

As I continue in their direction, it becomes easier to make out some of what they're saying.

"-I'm really trying, Fiona. I don't know what to do..." Father.

Silence for a while. I realize that Fiona and father are talking about me. The two of them are seated at the kitchen table across from each other, coffee mugs in hand. I lean back against the wall outside of the kitchen, just close enough to be able to hear them, far enough away that I won't get caught.

"Nothing has changed with him, Malcolm. He's still your son. You'll love him no matter who he wants to be with in life." Fiona is as calm as ever.

Then the familiar feel of stinging in my eyes comes on, and my teeth begin to grind together in attempt at stopping myself from crying. I can already tell that this conversation is going to take a turn for the worst.

More than anything, I'm worried about what my father will say about me.

'I'm really trying Fiona, I don't know what to do...'  I squeeze my eyelids shut and lean my head against the wall, waiting for someone to say something, anything.

"I know- I just, it's a bit confusing for me. I guess I never thought that Baz would be one to go in that sort of direction. Don't get me wrong, I love Baz, he's my boy, Fiona. I'm just new to all of this, uh, liking boys kind of thing. I don't know how to deal with it."

I can't hold back anymore when I hear my father sniffle, an evident sign that he's near tears because of me.

That's enough to start my own tears. I pinch my arm, twisting the skin a little bit in attempt at trying to focus on the pain, trying to quiet the sound of my crying.

"Come on, Malcolm. He told you that he likes kissing boys, which means he always has. Which means he hasn't changed one bit. He's the same Baz you've always loved and held in your arms as a child. Don't cry because of this shit."

"I'm not." The tone of father's voice tells me he's lying. I dig the heels of my hand into my eyes, squeezing them shut.

I don't know why I'm still listening. I should go, I should go. I need to leave and get somewhere where I can be alone and let everything out. I should tell Simon to leave. I feel bad for making him a part of this.

I let out a sob that was trapped inside my chest when father calls me from the kitchen. "Baz..?" He says. I have to go right now. I can't let him see me like this. He and Fiona must have picked up on my crying.

I get up and start running for the stairs.

As I make my way up the staircase, I glance down to the main floor only to meet my father's stare. He looks at me with a certain softness in his eyes and covers his mouth with a shaking hand. I resume my sobbing when a stray tear rolls down my father's face.

I run. Upstairs, to my room. No, not my room, Simon's in there. I can't go into the bedrooms, father might find me.

My father, the face of both stone and of love in my life, crying because of me. In all of my years living under this roof, that's a sight I've never seen. It's slightly jarring to know that my father could keep a stern face through some really tough times, but something as simple as me liking boys is enough to make him crack.