The Key to My Heart (Or to Baz's Diary)

Returned at Last

Baz

This moment is never going to leave my memory. Simon's words of reassurance mean more than I can explain. He hasn't released his hold on me yet, even after both of our tears have subsided.

"Thank you, Simon." I whisper next to his ear. The only response I get is a nose nuzzling into my neck. I'm forced to suppress the shudder that courses through my body from the skin on skin contact. The love I've been hiding from Simon for years is threatening to reveal itself.

"Don't thank me, Baz." Simon breathes. "You deserve this. The reassurance- I mean." He hesitates for a moment before pulling back slightly.

I'm still sitting on the bathroom counter, while Simon stands directly in front of me. The hand placed over my heart barely registers with me because I'm so lost in the blue of Simon's eyes.

When it clicks, I slowly make a move to place my hand overtop Simon's where it rests on my chest. The silence of the room is filled with our breath, neither of us breaks each other's gaze.

Finally Simon's eyes flick to where my hand rests overtop his, and he takes in a shuddering breath before meeting my eyes once again.

"Before we end this conversation Baz, I need to know that you know this." I hope Simon can feel my heartbeat underneath his fingertips, steady and strong.

It's because of you, I want to say. I'm okay now because of you.

"You are beautiful. No matter what the world says, you are beautiful, Baz. Please know that."

I'm at an utter loss for words. What can I say to that? The love of my life tells me that I'm beautiful, even if he wasn't referencing his own thoughts, and needs me to know it.

The look in Simon's eyes tells me that he meant every word. That he wasn't just saying that to reassure me. Thoughts muddle together in my mind as I try to fathom just what to say in response to this.

Simon must interpret the look on my face as answer enough, because he slides his hand out from under mine and quickly brushes his fingers across my cheek before turning towards the door and walking out.

I don't move from my place on the counter even after Simon exits the bathroom. I'm looking at the wall across from me like it will have the answers to my life. The answer to the question of why I've been lucky enough to have someone like that boy in my life.

A minute or two go by before it registers that things haven't changed, and I need to continue to get dressed. Looking down at myself, this time the sight doesn't make me cringe or wonder. Instead I'm reminded of Simon's thumb brushing across my ribs, the warmth surrounding the memory.

I hop off of the counter then, grabbing a grey t-shirt from where my clothes lay strewn across the floor. Tugging the shirt over my forehead, I make a move to open the bathroom door and walk back into my bedroom.

Simon lay on the bed, the afternoon sun filtering through the windows basking him in a layer of gold. He's lost in a book, probably one from my little wooden bookshelf near the fireplace. The title reads The Great Gatsby. Didn't know Simon was into reading.

At the sounds of my light footfalls, blue eyes peer out from the pages and instead at me.

"I'm going to head downstairs and maybe outside later. You can stay here though, my family won't bother you." Simon nods, eyes returning to the pages in front of him.

Turning towards the door, I'm stopped by his voice. "You okay now, Baz?" That careful thought is enough to have me running into his arms.

Instead I make my way over to where Simon reads on the bed, willing myself to calm the beating of my heart. He's only asked if your okay, Baz. Calm yourself.