1000 Paper Cuts \\ KELLIC

6

I didn't know what was going on with Vic and I. He held my hand for so long, playing with my fingers and delicately rubbing his thumb along the soft surface of my skin. I didn't know what to think of it. It was calming, and peaceful, but at the same time my chest was tightening and I had the profound feeling of being homesick, but it wasn't exactly that. I couldn't quite decipher what that feeling was.

"You missed lunch. I have to stop letting you skip meals," he said.

"It's okay, I'm not hungry," I told him. More than anything I was simply content to be laying here on the ground with him. I didn't think I could feel this free in a place like this.

"You're talking to me more," He commented. Was I? I guess that over time I was becoming more comfortable with him. After all, we were holding hands, but I didn't know what that meant.

"We should probably go back inside before someone notices that we've been gone for too long," he said. The way he spoke was slow, dreamy even. That was just the atmosphere out here. It was like a completely different world.

He sat up but didn't let go of my hand. He looked down at me with that usual friendly, soothing look. With a smile on his face he stood up and kept holding one hand while reaching out for the other. I hesitated before taking it and he pulled me up to his level. My chest knocked against his as I lost my balance and my heart leapt into my throat. I was nervous. I shouldn't be feeling nervous. Up until now, always thought of Vic as a friend, or a companion, but then he held my hand and for the first time I saw him in a different light. I found him attractive, desirable even. That's not to say those thoughts would lead to anything, because they were just thoughts in this one moment. I was confused. Maybe it was just the nice moment that had me suddenly see Vic like that. I quickly dropped my hands and walked off, trying to think of an excuse to get away from him so I could clear my head.

—-

Later that night I was a mess, and I wasn't even sure what triggered it. There was just a lot going on in my head from a lot of different places. So much had happened today and I think watching that boy try and kill himself really hit close to home and it wasn't until I was lying in bed that I really let the emotions get to me.

It was always night time when my darkest thoughts came out to play. Maybe it was the silence leaving me alone to the depths of my mind, or maybe it was opening my eyes and seeing nothing but emptiness that reminded me of myself.

It was hard to keep things in on this particular night. I could try all I wanted to be okay, to pretend that what's going on in my head wasn't that bad, but I couldn't, because that wouldn't be honest. Maybe it would have been easier to just pretend. That would mean that I would have been let out of here, but I knew that I would have cracked eventually. No one can pretend to be happy forever, so I never tried. I never pretended. I didn't see a point to it.

I felt so alone in here. No one knew who I really was. They could make assumptions about me. Everyone could, but they didn't know what was going on inside. They didn't know how much I was hurting and maybe it would be better if I let it out, but they were my thoughts, not theirs. They're my problems. I am the one who has to deal with them and they couldn't help me with them, could they?

These thoughts wouldn't leave my head. They were suffocating. I was curled on my side with tears streaming down my face. I felt sick, like the air was gone from my lungs. I felt anxious. My throat was tightening and the sobbing was starting to hurt. It was hard to breathe. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't push the suicidal thoughts from my mind. It was like an addiction. I was addicted to feeding the pain and I wished that I had the strength to walk away from it, but I didn't. It's like I wanted it to get worse before it got better, if it got better. If I hit rock bottom, if I stayed on rock bottom then it wouldn't get any worse from there. There would be nowhere to go but up, or I could stay there and get used to the pain until I decided to end it.