1000 Paper Cuts \\ KELLIC

8

Tick, tock, tick, tock. That's all I was focused on in therapy with Carlile. The never-ending ticking of the clock was what made these sessions seem to go on forever. He urged me to talk to him, like normal. He figured that since I talked to him once, that meant I would talk to him again, but I didn't want to. My feelings had been confused enough for the past week and I didn't need the input of a doctor just giving me more perspectives to think about.

He tapped his pen on his desk as he watched me. His patience was wearing thin. I could see it all over his face. The slight stubble that he had grown made him look older than when I had met him. It made me feel like I had been in here for a long time.

"Do you like it here, Kellin?" he asked me as he leant forward on his chair. He knew very well that I wouldn't respond.

"You need to talk to me. You need to," he said, "If you don't then there's no way of getting out of here. If you stay silent then there's no way of knowing if you're better or not, so there's no way of letting you out."

I knew that, and perhaps that was why I wasn't talking. I wasn't ready to be let out just yet. Of course part of me wanted to be gone, but I was still figuring some things out, things that he had no idea about. He leant back in his chair and locked his fingers around the arms of it.

"You want to know what I think?" he asked.

No.

"I think you're scared to leave. You won't talk to me because you know I'll be able to help you and get you out, but you don't want to be out. You're scared of facing the outside world, and I understand that. It can be really scary out there and there's not that instant support group that you have here, but believe me, you will be supported out there. You'll have your parents looking out for you, and an appointed doctor," he explained.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes even though part of me knew he was right. The thought of going out into the outside world did scare me, but I mostly wanted to stay here because of Vic. He was like my comfort zone and I didn't want to leave that, at least not until I figured out what I was feeling towards him.

Carlile sighed, "I guess that's another session over. You're free to go."

I didn't have to be told twice. I got out of the chair and left the room without another word. Vic wasn't out there waiting for me. I kind of expected him to be though. I hadn't seen him at all last night or yesterday afternoon because he had only worked in the morning, so I was expecting him to work this morning too, but he didn't show up at my room or at breakfast. Usually when he worked afternoons, he would meet me outside Carlile' office, but today he was nowhere to be seen. I kind of shrugged it off though. I guess he had to have a day off at some stage. Since I've been here I've seen him every day because he's such a helpful person and genuinely wants to be here. Perhaps he's finally having a day off. It was a Saturday after all.

I had been so caught up with Vic lately and getting to know him. A lot of the time I would just sit there and listen to him talk about his family and picking up on bits of pieces of his personality. I couldn't detect anything that I didn't like. He was always so excitable and cheery. I liked that in him, and maybe it was because I was so opposite to that, so it never got boring to me. He was so different.

We spent a lot of time together and he had quickly become a best friend. I thought that was kind of weird given the situation we were in. He started out as a volunteer, just someone to help me, and we became good friends, but I couldn't shake the crush I thought I was developing. Whenever I saw him my heart would tighten and I would fight to keep a smile off my face. There was something special about him. He was flawless, and I wasn't saying that in a romantic way. I was saying it because there was literally nothing I could find wrong with this boy. He was like perfection.