Morning Blushes

chapter forty-two

As I open my eyes, a blank canvas greeted my vision, and the sound of the hushed quiet air conditioner met my consciousness. The scent of generalized isopropanol scattered around the room met my sense of smell. I looked around. I'm not in my room. I'm in a hospital room. There's my mother beside me. She's sleeping peacefully on her arm beside me. I slowly get my hand that made my mother wake up. 

"Yanna."

Yanna. That was the first time I heard her call me again with that name. 

"Do you need anything? Wait, I'll get you a glass of water." She hustled across the room to get me a drink and came back. "Here."

I drank the water and looked at her again. She never did this to me. She didn't even take care of me even before when I was young. She never cared about me when I was deeply sick. Manang has to do it always.

Then I remembered the last occurrence before I'm in this bed. It was dark and raining hard.

"You're not working..." I muttered.

"It's a Sunday morning. I don't have work."

Friday. The last thing I knew happened was on a Friday night. No, it was past midnight. It was before dawn of Saturday. I was fucking knocked out for a day.

As soon as I heard the door creaked, I turned my head in its direction. There's Navi holding a paper bag. When our eyes met, I quickly turned away. 

I felt like I fell from the sky when I remembered him from that night too. I cried in front of him. I surrendered in front of him again. Now, he's probably laughing at me. I was so angry at him inside the music room yet I ran my way to him. How stupid. He doesn't need to be here. 

"Good morning, Mrs. Santos. I brought some goods to have," he said, referring to the paper bag he's holding.

"Thank you, Navi." Mommy smiled at him. "Excuse me for a moment, I will be fixing some papers downstairs. Ikaw na munang bahala dito, Navi."

"Sure po."

I watched as my mother walk outside. Now, I can't believe I'm alone with him again. I can't even look straight anymore. And... that night. My mother and Manang are talking about me. They're talking about... shit. My chest is getting heavy. I don't want to think about it anymore. I have a lot of questions to ask but I don't want to go back inside. I don't want to be in that feeling anymore. 

"Avyanna..." Navi called. 

"What?"

"Do you want something?" he asked even though he's too far from me. I looked at him while he's preparing the food his mother let him bring. 

"No."

I just looked at him. He's talking to me now. I don't want him to feel like he needs to take care of me just because he's the one I ran into before I fell here. But he doesn't like me. He's suffering because of me and until now, I'm making him. I'm making his life harder for him. 

"Avyanna, do you want something else? The food is prepared. The doctor said you can eat."

"Wala akong gana."

"You need to eat. You're not eating for days."

I sighed in defeat. I tried to reach for the overbed table. When he saw me reaching it, he brought it to me ang placed the food there. I'm trying to snatch the utensils from him but his grip is quite tight.

"I'll do it for you."

"No need. I can do it."

"Avyanna, stop--"