Tear in My Heart

That you're alive and have a soul

The concert was over and the boys where changing out of there concert attire. I was waiting on the tour bus waiting for the boys when Josh ran on first. He's always faster. He came up and gave me a hug. I missed that too.

"Lex, I'm so happy you're here. I know I can say for all of us, we've all missed you like crazy." Josh says while still hugging me. I wriggled out of his arms and smiled at him. He always made my day better and his smile always lit up the room. 

"Oh you missed me, huh?" I teased, "then why did it take Ty getting back to a breaking point for you to call me? My data plan doesn't charge by the text, you know."

"Well I didn't want to bug you. I know you've been busy with work and your family."

I was gonna say something but I didn't know how to respond. Josh and Ty don't know much about my family. Some days I want to just blurt it all out but most days its too hard to ever think about them. I open my mouth to say something when Tyler joins us and hugs me again. We're doing one of our hug/dance things and he pulls away.

"Lennox, seriously, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?" Tyler asked. I'm not going to tell him I know what happened, not yet. He's still too raw. I know better. So I come up with a bit of a fib.

"I'm fine I just missed you like crazy and had a few days off. Do you want me to leave..?" I say trailing off.

I've never seen two boys' eyes grow wider as they both shout "No!" I chuckled a little and sit down. I know Tyler and I need to talk but I don't want to ruin the evening after such an amazing show. The rest of the crew joined the bus and we were off.

The boys put on some video games and of course I crushed them. We played Mario Kart games for about 2 hours before realizing how fast time had passed. I catch Josh's eye and give him a look. Of course he's too oblivious to know what I'm trying to tell him so I pick up my phone and signal him to check his.

I text him - I need a few minutes with Ty do you think you can keep everyone out for a bit if we go back to the back room?

He immediately responds - Of course! Take your time! - before putting his phone down and getting the rest of the guys to all do a competition on the game. I whisper into Tyler's ear and ask him if we could have a minute. He quickly obliges, he's never one to not immediately step away from something to go talk to someone or support them. It's what I love about him. We walk off to the back and I close the door. He didn't even say anything to the guys so I'm glad I told Josh so that no one comes back.

The bedroom in the back is cleaner then I remember. I'm about to make a joke about it before Tyler does it for me, "I know it's cleaner than normal, want me to mess it up a bit to feel more normal?"

With a grin I shake my head and sit down. He sits next to me and lays back on his back staring at the ceiling. I do the same for a minute and we chat about the tour before he sits up and asks me about home. I sit up, cross my legs and take a deep breath looking down at my lap which suddenly seems like the most interesting thing ever. He lifts my chin and we make eye contact. Tears start welling up. I hate this. No Lennox, you're here for him not you.

"It's fine. Been busy working." I say and look away for a minute.

"Okay, now how is it actually?" Ty pushes. He does it so well; never too harsh but enough to show that he cares while still giving me an out if I need it.

"I thought I was here to see you and check on you" I say with a little laugh. He rolls his eyes and just waits for me to say something more. "It's tough, Tyler, I'm not happy with where I'm at but I can't change much. You know this shit is complicated."

"You always say that. Lex you know I never push because I want to respect your feelings but I can't do anything if I don't know."

I know he's just trying to help but it hurts and I don't want to focus on me. I only respond with, "Well I could say the same for you buddy."

I'm not trying to hurt his feelings and it definitely came out harsher than I thought but I can only do so much.

"Did Josh say something?" Tyler asks, now looking down at his lap. Instead of lifting his chin like he did to me, I let him stay that way.

"He didn't have to, you know I have a good sense of when something is wrong."

"But he did, didn't he?" Tyler says almost in a whisper. I nod knowing he won't even see it. "Lex, I don't know whats wrong with me, I'm literally living my dream and I'm still so unhappy. I get in my ruts and want to just pause life. I can't do it some days. I didn't want to bug you because you also have to deal with your own stuff. I'm sorry."

He began to sniffle and I know the tears are nearing. I can feel myself wanting to tell him but I don't know if I can.

"Don't worry about my stuff, its easier to support you than myself. I'm seeing a new therapist and its really helping but god its so hard some days. I understand the ruts, hell I was in one until I saw you on stage."

"Really?" He looks up and I nod before he finishes, "How long have you been seeing them?"

"About six months, and to be honest, only now have I started really digging into everything. Like yeah I write about the stuff a lot but I always keep everything vague. My therapist has been pushing me to get into it more." I say. God why am I so emotional right now? This isn't for me.

"Maybe I should do that. I'm just traveling so much though you know?" there's a pause for a moment before he continues, "Lex.. I almost did it again." He says breaking down. He almost cut again. Damn it. I knew it was bad but Josh did not prepare me for this. Those two are thick as thieves but maybe he didn't know.

"But you didn't did you?" I ask cautiously. He shakes his head and I breathe a sigh of relief, "Tyler I want you to know, I am always always here for you. Hell I flew out an hour after Josh texted me so that just proves I will drop everything for you. I know you know that it'll get better and I know you hate me saying that but you have to listen to me when I tell you. It's not your fault and we are gonna get through this together no matter what."

"Thank you, Lex. I hope thats true." He's still crying so I hug him and we just cuddle with each other. I knew he was tired so we just laid there for the rest of the night until we both fell asleep.