Wonderfall

Alexithymia

Lauren's POV

Alexithymia (n.): difficulty describing feelings to other people.

"NORMANI!" I yelled, throwing my body against the door, making it open with a blow. 

I startled Normani so hard that she moved on her bed in despair, ending up falling on the floor. 

"I'M A LESBIAN," I said in a muffled cry, not caring about the fact that my friend was lying on the floor, staring at me as if I was an evil spirit ready to possess her body. 

My breathing was erratic and I felt my knees go weak. My head was spinning as fast as the blades of a blender at full blast. I couldn't form coherent thoughts. Everything was flashing before my conscience like a bolt of lightning and I couldn't understand anything that was going on in my mind. The only crystal clear thought was that I was gay. It was as if I was throwing it up, as if I had repressed it for so long that now I couldn't stop putting it out. 

My legs gave in to the emotional weakness and despair, and I slid my back down against the door, hitting the ground with a thud. 

Instinctively, Normani staggered to her feet and rushed to where I was. 

"OH MY GOD, LAUREN!" She exclaimed, kneeling on the floor with such recklessness that her knee cracked. "What happened?!" My friend asked, cupping my face in between her hands to force me to look at her. "Jesus, I thought you'd passed out!" Her tone softened when she realized my eyes were wide open, but she still bore a worried expression, which made me feel guilty for scaring my roommate. 

But as fast as it came, as fast as it went away. The overwhelming thought that took over every cell of mine hit me like a monstrous wave crashing against the shore—destructive, merciless, tremendous, and consuming. 

"I'm a lesbian," My voice came out in a whisper, quivering. My jaw clenched in a failed attempt of emitting some sort of meaningful sound. 

My whole body was shaking. I didn't know if the reason behind it was my heart or my stomach, but I had already suspected by now that the two were one and the same. 

"You're freezing, Lauren!" Normani observed, touching my hand and my forehead, ignoring what I had said. 

Her look expressed concern and I wanted to tell her I was fine, that she didn't need to worry, but the truth was, I wasn't okay. An earthquake roared inside me, and it was shaking all my structures. 

"Look at me, Laur," Normani started soothingly, holding my face in between her hands. She was seemingly trying to regain her composure so I could do the same. "You need to calm down and take a deep breath. I don't know what happened to make you stay like this, but first, you need to relieve that whirlwind of feelings inside you, okay?" She said, staring deep into my eyes. I nodded. "I'll get you a glass of water. In the meantime, I want you to breathe and try not to think of what you're thinking right now, whatever that might be," Her thumb stroked my cheek. "Do you think you can do that?" She asked and I nodded. "Great, I'll be right back."

Normani got up and walked towards the kitchenette in such haste that I didn't even notice when she left my side—either that or my troubled mind wasn't letting me pay much attention to my surroundings. 

It took me no more than twenty seconds—the time Normani needed to go to the kitchenette and pour me a glass of water—to recall what had just happened a few minutes ago with Camila Cabello in front of Harvard's freshman dorm building. 

The memory came flooding back like lightning—quick, but deadly. 

Flashback – Zakim bridge, forty minutes ago