The Beat of My Heart

Now or Never

I'm turnin' off the light right now

I'm callin' it a night now

Wishin' you were 'round with me

But you're in a different town than me

When Elide got home, it was to find the whole house with its lights off and some muffled voices coming from Manon's bedroom. She went to her room, fighting the tears that were already coming down her face, fighting the sadness that was trying to get out of her chest.

She turned around her bed, not being able to go to sleep, not being able to relax. Knowing that Lorcan is fighting or wondering how much Lorcan is hurt.

Her cell phone started to ring, but she didn't want to see who it was, or she even cared. She was tired, tired of having to deal with so many bad things and never having a break. Tired of caring for Lorcan, someone who clearly is destructive to himself and probably not a good idea to be tangled with. And Elide knew that from the beginning, because Chaol and Yrene told her what a mess his life was. Mostly because of Maeve.

She was tired.

After a long sleepless week, where she went to work almost like a zumbi and tried to avoid Chaol at all costs, she decided to do something that was probably going to make Manon go insane with her.

"You what?" Her roommate yelled in the middle of their dinner, making her boyfriend reach out for her hand as a way to stop her for making things more difficult. "If this is about Dorian I can throw him out of here."

"What? " Dorian looked surprised and a little bit hurt.

"Princeling, Elide is a priority. Sorry but you know that."

Elide surpassed a smile that was fighting to get free.

"I'm not moving out. I just want to take some time of...of everything."

"Dorian, go to our room."

Elide always found it amusing the way Dorian followed Manon blindly, not in a unhealthy way, but he respected her opinion and always gave her space.

When they were alone, her and Manon stared at each other. For long seconds they stayed in silence until Manon sighed.

"Look, Elide, I know you've been sad...and I know why because I went to talk to Chaol. But girl, crying over a man you barely know...not worth it." Elide held her breath. "You are a smart woman. You don't need trash in your life...you already have to deal with the memories of your uncle..."

"Manon, I don't-"

"Just hear me out."

Elide decided to hear what her roomate had to say. She notice the way Manon seemed to have a mind battle inside her head, so she let her friend rant.

"I know that this...Lorcan, must be a good guy deep down. But you need a true good guy. Someone who isn't tangled with Maeve, for crying out loud!" She hit the table with force, making Elide jump a little on her seat. "Ok, maybe you want to travel just to clear your mind, but I don't think running away from everything will made things better, Eli."

She holds Elide's hand, making Elide shiver because she didn't want to make Manon sad. She just wanted some time away.

"Do you honestly think going to the countryside for two weeks will get you peace of mind?"

Manon was asking truly, showing Elide she would that even if didn't like it, she would accept whatever Elide decided.

"I don't know...I just-" Elide looked down at their hands, feeling overwhelmed by how much Manon cared. "I wish Lorcan would explain to me. What he was thinking when he went back to Maeve...I just wish we had more time to get to know each other before everything completely ended. Geez, we kissed for the first time the same day everything fell apart..."

"Do you want me to punch him? I could, you know."

Elide laughed, between some tears that escaped from her eyes and feeling somehow relieved. Somehow she didn't want to go away anymore, she wanted to stay with her friend and try to get over her feelings for Lorcan. It's not as if it was such deep emotions, they barely had a relationship. It was just a glimpse of it, a great glimpse and Elide would have to deal with the fact.

After Dorian came back to the kitchen, they decided to go for a picnic at the park to take advantage of the sunny day. Dorian kept talking about how Manon doesn't have a clue about laundry and asking Elide how his girlfriend survived before without knowing where to put hot water and where to put cold water. Elide liked seeing Manon so happy, she liked to think that life was giving her friend a chance to find real love after so many trash boyfriends.

Elide liked to think that her time will arrive. That she will find someone that leans to the side so he can place a kiss at the side of her head while looking at her with adoring eyes.

She decided to call Chaol and Yrene, it was time to stop avoiding them.

*

"Yrene is bringing the hot dogs...where is Manon and Dorian?"
Chaol walked with his klutches and sat near the picnic table they were placing their food.

"They went to buy something to drink...Want some salad?"

Elide sat next to him, a little bit nervous that he would bring the feared subject on the table and especially while they are alone. Fortunately, he stayed focused on the salad he was serving himself and they talked about work and how their boss is going to fire a guy from the reception.

"Maybe you could try for the job...they pay more, right?" Elide asked.

"Yeah, but I like to move around. And Yrene says is better to do something where I will move a lot...atrophy is not good looking, she says."

Elide smiled, and then thought that maybe she should apply. Her foot works just fine but sometimes he aches if used a lot, also the paycheck was better according to the information she heard from HR.

The idea of going was slowly fading from her mind, she was happy around her friends, even fi a little bit tense too. Dorian and Manon arrived shortly after, with their hairs are messed up and looking incredible guilty...at least, Dorian was. Manon was her usual self.

Yrene brought soda and beers with a mini fridge and they all sat while enjoying the food and drinks. Manon kept bugging Yrene that she should cut her hair short and have a baby with Chaol soon, and while Elide and the rest laughed at that idea, Chaol tensed and had a dark expression on his face.

Elide noticing the residual tension still in the midst, decided to help Yrene carry the fridge back to her car while the rest stayed behind to organize. It was almost nighttime, they overdid their time there and it was starting to get chilly.

"Is Chaol angry with what Manon said? She can be a little intrusive..."

Yrene sighed when closing the car door.

"It's not that per se...Chaol says he doesn't want kids, he thinks he can't be a good father while being handicapped, which is something horrible to say but Chaol loves to think he is a failure."

She messed with some curls of her hair, and then Elide said with all the feelings she could.

"I'm sorry...I always thought you guys would be great parents. Maybe he will see that soon."

"I hope so...He is the love of my life and I want to have his kids someday."

Yrene put a strong expression on her face, but tears were starting to form on the corner of her eyes, and it pained Elide to see her friend sad.

"I would like to see you smile more too, Elide. I know things are...not ideal. But you barely knew him and there are plenty of guys out there that are less complicated."

She wasn't to talk about Lorcan yet. She appreciated Yrene's intention, but she just pressed her lips together and nodded while turning her back to her friend. She wasn't ready. And she was mad with herself because of that, because of how everything in her life seemed to have stop moving since Lorcan's fight.

Still, she knew she needed to see him one more time before crushing these feelings inside of her.